Monday, May 4, 2009

First day of the new 5 week Living the Spiral Cycle! I am very excited! I have been in such a funk, but this cycle is helping to pull me out of it. I am doing a liquid Master Cleanse with a twist- instead of just lemons, maple syrup and cayanne pepper, I've added organic white tea and kelp! I have a hard time leaving something alone without "doctoring it up". Well, busy day of work, will blog more tonight.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Thank You for Concern!

Back among the living! It ended up being more than the flu. I hit a very low point in mood. I haven't felt that low in years. So much going on that it was difficult to deal with everything. I think the flu weakened me out and the mind couldn't handle it all. I am normally am very perky, appreciative person, but this kept me low for several weeks. Could get just enough energy to work. The issue is really the fact that I have some tough decisions to make and I can't seem to wrap my head around it all.

The problem is family members. The ongoing saga of my adult life- dealing with the problems of my family. The latest is that my roommate/older brother is once again unemployed. He quit his job of three weeks because he hated it. Couldn't wait until he had another one. (I do not understand that at all!) Prior to that he was unemployed for 8 mnths. I've covered 2 months of rent, but I can't do it any more. Need to find another place to live. I hate moving!

My family followed me to florida, I had a two year repreive before parent and younger brother moved down 9 years ago. The next year grandmother moved down, 4 years ago older brother moved down. Between accidents, alzeheimers, home schooling for 2 yrs and stupidity of siblings (trouble with the law), I have given too much of my time to the family. I helped raise younger brother who is 22 years younger. Helping with grandmother and parents who suffered a terrible car accident 3 years ago.

The ray of hope is in a potential job- a friend is waiting on the funding to launch a new business, the first stage is to take her training seminars on the road- we would be traveling around the country and getting people signed up for her classes. As people sign up, we would help them cultivate a "community" with other attendees in the local area. In a years time, we would then hope to have a retreat location where people could come and attend classes. There is also a part of it that is a non-profit aspect- offering specially assisted classes to the blind. I have a month of waiting before I know if the funding is going through. FINGERS CROSSED!

But I am struggling with leaving the area and not being here for the family. But, at 42 years old I need to be about my life and not theirs. I can say this, but the actual doing of this is the hard part, I don't want to see my family suffering or struggling. But the fact is that over the past 9 years I have gained so much weight and dropped my own activities in order to help everyone else. I am not a martyr, but pretty darn close! So the blue feelings threatened to overtake me, but I have such loving friends that help me enjoy life and help me see that I need to be taking care of myself!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Brought Low with the Flu

Yucky uckies. Down with the flu. Going to do the Master Cleanse, pump up the volume on the greens and good bacterias for the tummy.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Using EFT

I have an ongoing flirtation with Emotional Freedom Technique. I have used it to handle little ache and pains, worry, resistance to relaxation. I even recommend it to some clients to use for stress and worry. But I have never fully embraced it and really used it as a tool. Last night I remembered it and I began to wonder "What if I added EFT to my daily affirmation sessions?" So this morning I began to to the Tapping. What is EFT? The website is a good place to learn more. Here is a bit more info.

In essence, EFT is an emotional version of acupuncture wherein we stimulate certain meridian points by tapping on them with our fingertips. This addresses a new cause for emotional issues (unbalanced energy meridians). Properly done, this frequently reduces the therapeutic process from months or years down to hours or minutes. And, since emotional stress can contribute to pain, disease and physical ailments, we often find that EFT provides astonishing physical relief.
  • You can make enormous strides by introducing EFT into your emotional therapy process (whether you are a professional or a client). Instead of taking months or years using conventional "talk therapy," EFT often does the job for you cleanly and thoroughly in one or two sessions ... and we sometimes achieve noticeable results in a few brief rounds of EFT. We label these near-instant results as "one minute wonders."
  • Once you have seen how well EFT clears out emotional debris, your next step is to notice how physical ailments start to fade. Headaches, back pains and other discomforts often tend to improve or vanish as emotional issues improve (this is the essence of Mind Body Medicine). Your vision may become clearer and everyday stress may take less toll on your system.
  • Accordingly, you can apply it to just about everything. That is one of the most astonishing things about it. You use the same basic procedure for your fear of public speaking as you do for improving your golf score. You can also use it for everything from the common cold to multiple sclerosis (consult your physician, of course). Further, we have had reported successes for nearly every emotional issue on the books...including fear, trauma, depression, grief and schizophrenia. Some consider it the missing link in the pursuit of health and happiness.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Recommend a Blog....

I have found a new obsession, forget food, forget everything! When I read I roar out loud! I have even snorted. I love it! The writers are absolutely hysterical. I told a friend about it yesterday and she wants to write a letter to her toaster. It's like Sienfeld- letters about nothing.

I think I want to write a letter to the passenger seat of my car. It would be an apology letter, saying how sorry I am that I have spilled so many sodas and bottles of water on it and how it has been over run with food wrappers. I would make a vow of promise to allow it to see the light of day and even clean it up well enough that a person could actually sit in it. The passenger seat who had an identity crisis- it thought it was a garbage can. The photo here at least makes my car look good! Although when I moved back east from Omaha I traveled in a car that was slightly less packed like this!

Screw It!

I know! I know! I said I wasn't going to keep track of my weight loss here, but I can't help it! I just want to shout out my success! I am down another pound! Total 8!

I ate a Spicy Chicken sandwich combo from Wendy's Medium
a bowl of corn chips with salsa
a banana
three handfuls of walnuts
a large bowl of brown sugar oatmeal w/ milk (three packets)
a single serving cup of cinnamon applesauce
two huge cups of hot tea with lots of milk and sugar

No exercise, 2 minutes of affirmation review, 4 blessings for the food, no water.

Miracle of the Day

A Course in Miracles. Years ago I attended a book group who where studying the book ACIM. I was glad to be doing it with a group because it is not an easy read. At the start of each gathering everyone would share their "Miracle of the Week". That is the whole basis of ACIM, to start seeing the miracles of the day. Knowing that every day is filled with little miracles or HUGE-life-altering miracles, and most of the time people aren't paying attention to them.

I remember sharing an experience of my weekly miracle:
I am can be a bit demanding when it comes to customer service. I get annoyed with bad service. One weekend a friend and I went camping. It was a holiday weekend and the State Park that we went to was filling up fast. As I was standing in line and "patiently" waiting, I could see and hear the park employee who was an older woman getting a bit testy with other people she was assisting. I stood there and said to myself "if she gives me attitude, I am going to give it right back and then some!"

Right then and there the Miracle happened! Bamb! Spirit softened me, it made me take in more of what what really going on. I started to really observe this woman, here she was surrounded by day visitors to the park who were expressing their intense upset that they couldn't bring alcohol into the park and they were extremely upset that they couldn't get their drunken partying on. She was in a tiny hut without any evidence of air conditioning and there didn't seem to be anyone helping her. Compassion came into my heart. Understanding came into my mind and a smile came to my face.

When it was my turn to be served I made a quick little comment "I hope this is closer to the end of your day and not the beginning. This looks like you are managing the monkeys at the zoo." She laughed and nodded her head "Yep, that's me, chief zoo keeper." With that exchange she was very pleasant to me and our time was very pleasant and quick. Later that evening she drove by our campsite and dropped off a bundle of firewood, for free. She said she normally didn't do that, but she wanted to say "Hi!" and to thank me for being so nice. It made her day!

That could have gone so differently! I could have stayed in my demanding frame of mind and been just another person who made her day miserable and long. But I got to be an instrument of kindness and understanding. I felt fantastic for the rest of the weekend!

Why? I believe my reason for not "tuning" in to seeing daily miracles was because I spend so much time planning on how the miracle will occur, what it will look like. It's like I shop for the perfect miracle online; I plan it right down to the gift wrapping and bow! Then I sit and wait for it to be delivered. And I wait, and I wait and then I start "God doesn't love me", "I don't deserve it!" "I am all alone!" I am sitting at my own miracle-less pity party and I feel miserable and hopeless. But since I have been learning from ACIM I have realized that spirit give us daily miracles or daily miracle opportunities. They just don't come in the gift wrapped box that I thought they will come in and the angels don't decend in a pure white light to as Gods FedEx delivery staff.

I have found that most of my daily miracles are when I see/feel/know/hear/understand the alterations of my perception of my reality/beliefs. When the truth is revealed. I get these messages daily. Seriously! Daily! Miracles occur Daily! I am not the same person I was yesterday because of the Miracle I experienced yestereday! It altered my universe.

Miracles come to me in a variety of ways: in the form of a thought/ something I read/ something someone says to me/in a song I hear/ in an encounter I have with someone or something. I know when they come now, because I immediately have a sense of serenity, tranquility and/or certainty/ or I find myself laughing outloud with an "aha!" moment.

I lovingly remember another person's Miracle of the Week. The guy is a fairly young district attorney, his days are filled with criminals and dealing with the dark side of life. The mear fact that he was attending a book group studying ACIM was a miracle! He, to me, was the human persona of Eeyore from the Winnie the Pooh. Negativity oozed from him. I don't remember if he actually had a New York Bronx accent but over the years I have given him one. Just to paint the picture of him a bit more- He was at my friends store (where the class was held) and he was buying several pricy pieces of jewelry. I commented on how nice of him to be gifting someone or someones with such beautiful pieces. He said one was for his mother and the other for his secretary. I oohed and awwed and complimented him more on the sweetness of gifting his secretary and he responded "yeah, I'm thinking of firing her." Ahhhhh! That is just so funny to me! So in the class he shared his miracle: "my miracle is that I thought I hated someone one, but when I thought about it, I realized I just don't like them." (can you hear that in a thick Bronx accent?)

I was stunned! Can someones miracle really be that? But as I thought about it for a minute, I realized "What an altered state of consciousness- going from hate to dislike!" That was a HUGE life-altering Miracle!

As I work at altering my self-perception of my body and who I am; I have had the same miracle! (Just without the Bronx accent) I thought I hated my body, now I just dislike it. I think I'm closer today to loving my body than I was yesterday! What a gift from spirit! Thank you!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I have to get used to this

One of my affirmations is "I am in love with how I look!" That feels like a lie right now. I look at the photos and I only see the flaws. But since I've posted my pictures here and on my facebook pages, people are saying that I look nice. My mom was blown away! She hasn't seen me in a photo since 2000. A friend wants me to model. HA! I only have a few good angles for photos right now. (Cancel that, cancel that!) "I Donni, can accept people looking at me." That is so uncomfortable for me, but I have to acknowledge that I do want people to see me and to like how I look. I haven't allowed that in for so long. I hear the words "vanity", "sinful", "proud" and they keep me from being appreciative for how I do look. I AM GORGEOUS FOR GOD! I am his creation and I am perfect! Now I feel like I need to be gorgeous for me. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. It feels good to think "I can't F*** this up!" "I can't go backwards" It all feels like I am truly on the right path and it is only going to be more amazing, more miraculous and more loving.


I am down another 2 pounds! Okay! I started this Negative Thinking/Affirmation/Prayer and Forgiveness "Diet" on March 31- today I got on the scale and I am down a total of 7 pounds.

I am eating more than I usually do and eating anything I want, only doing deep breathing exercises for about 15 minutes a day. This has defied all beliefs that I have had previously. Even though I have been doing this for 8 days, there has been a thought behind the thought of "don't get yourself too excited, it's bound to be a disappointment." My safety net sabotage statement. Even with an underlying negative thought, it is still happening! I am dropping weight! So today, I am dropping the safety net and letting go.

I promised myself that I wouldn't make this blog a "countdown" chart, but I can't seem to help myself! I want to share this with the world! If it can work for me it can work for anyone!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Before Pixs

I spent some time in front of the camera today. Getting those Before Pix was at first really really hard for me to confront. But then I thought, I can make this a creative experience. The photos don't need to look like mugshots. Once I got into the feel of play the photos went better. I'm still not brave enough to post full body photos, but I was really surprised how I enjoyed taking my picture and I am determined not to pick out all my flaws. One thing about webcam is that there isn't too much you can do to alter the picture, almost like a Polaroid (what you see is what you get).
Down 1 more pound! I am truly amazed because yesterday I went out to celebrate a friends birthday at a buffet. I ate so much food. But before I went I looked over my affirmations and I let them be my reality on food, self-love and weight loss. So that make 5 pounds and I haven't done any of my past "diet" actions. Cool!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Gorgeous for God

Today I came across a new book; Gorgeous for God is based on A Course in Miracles, and was designed to inspire you to remember that you are whole and perfect as God created you. To remember the truth (that you are not a body) takes discipline and practice. The authors blog posted the following (yeah someone who also has long posts!) Tomorrow I am going to go to my friends store, Serenity Now, and order this book.

Lesson 84 from A Course in Miracles says:

Love created me like itself.
Love holds no grievances.

There is a powerful lesson I have learned over the years, and it will transform your life 100%.

Here it is:

If you want to activate the light in your brother (or in yourself) you must respond to the light in him (or yourself) in order to ignite it.

It’s the only way!!!

What this means is that if you are trying to get your brother to change, bring out the good in him. Search for the light in him and bring that light alive. Remind him of the truth of himself. Remember, you are all powerful! You have the power to ignite a flame in every single person you see and think of. Give him a compliment. Show him his strengths. Tell him what he is doing right.

And this goes for yourself.

I was reminded of this by my good friend Tanja Seely who has an ACIM website The Light Has Come. She is an extraordinary Teacher of God - clear, practical and beautiful. Always giving. She is on facebook and now that facebook has a new set-up, you can see everyone’s comments. It’s like an open book over there - you can what everyone is writing. I started to notice how active Tanja is with spreading joy everywhere. She is lighting magnificent fires everywhere! People get happy around her. She is lighting up the world with love!

A lot of people falsely believe that criticism or correction is the best way to bring about change. But let’s look at this logically.

First of all: think about how you react when someone criticizes you. Do you expand in joy or do you shut down thinking what a failure you are?

When you point out someone’s faults (or your own), you are speaking to the darkness in them (or yourself). And the darkness responds. Light does not respond while you are speaking to darkness. The darkness simply grows deeper and darker.

You must speak to the light (in yourself and in your brother) to get the light to respond.

If you want love, give love.
If you peace, give peace.
If you want appreciation, give appreciation.
If you want Heaven, give Heaven.

If your life is hell, then you must be giving hell.
If your life is dark, you must be giving darkness.

A Course in Miracles is a mathematical certainty. 2+2=4.

When you give love, you get love.
When you give criticism, you get criticism.
When you attack, you get attack.

Someone on facebook the other day wrote “Anger is like a boomer-rang. So much so that it should be called BOOMER-ANGER.”

Knowing this, I don’t send anger out. It’s just gonna fly straight back at me and hit me square between the eyes.

Love is also a boomer-rang. You send it out and it comes right back atcha ya! And it doubles and picks up energy as it’s flying out there so that by the time it comes back to you, it’s double!! it’s triple! You send out a drop of love to your brother, and you get an ocean back.

Try this like a Science Experiment. Test it out in your life.

Love created me like itself. I cannot suffer, I cannot experience loss and I cannot die. I am not a body. I would recognize my reality.

You’re all light. You are love.

I am determined not to attack my Self today, so that I can remember Who I am.

Bio Chemistry Lesson of the Day

Last night I was talking with a friend and I told her how I am learning that I avoid situations or work quickly to lessen any experience that would get my adrenalin pumping. I don't like drama. I don't like exercise. I have never had this thought before. So being the dutiful researcher that I am I started reading about adrenaline.

Adrenaline is a natural hormone that your body is constantly producing in small doses. Adrenaline is produced in the adrenal glands that are located above the kidneys. In addition to the adrenaline, another hormone very similar to it is also released from the adrenal glands. Nonadrenaline accounts for 20% of the total hormone secreted from the adrenal glands while, the more dominate adrenaline accounts for 80% of the secreted hormones. Together these hormones work to try ot prepare the body to make it more alert and ready for when extra energy and exertion is needed. Once these hormones are released from the adrenal glands and are working their way through the body several things will occur. The adrenaline is in charge of making soem of the smaller blood vessels close up while it makes the blood in the liver and the skeletal muscles wider. By making the less important blood vessels smaller, and opening up the more important blood vessles, a better blood flow is create. With this better blood flow towards the skeletal muscles and liver, the muscles and liver will be able to functin to their highest ability due to the increase in oxygen that they are receiving. Adrenaline is also responsible for the collapse of glycogen to glucose. This chemical change occurs in the liver and with this happening, the sugar level in the blood increases. The nonadrenaline constricts blood vessels too. The difference between the two is that the nonadrenaline constricts almost all the blood vessels while the adrenaline only constricts the less important ones. The two hormones work together to increase the contractions of the heart, which creates a better and stronger blood flow. Another duty in which these two hormones team up to do is increase the amounts of flowing free fatty acids. With these acids just moving free throughout the body, the body can use them anytime it needs to.

What are fatty acids? I hear the word fatty and I associate it with "bad".

Fatty acids are acids produced when fats are broken down. They are considered “good fats.” These acids are not highly soluble in water, and they can be used for energy by most types of cells. They may be monounsaturated, polyunsaturated, or saturated. They are organic, or in other words, they contain both carbon and hydrogen molecules.

Fatty acids are found in oils and other fats that make up different foods. They are an important part of a healthy diet, because the body needs them for several purposes. Fatty acids help move oxygen through the bloodstream to all parts of the body. They aid cell membrane development, strength, and function, and they are necessary for strong organs and tissue.

Fatty acids can also help keep skin healthy, help prevent early aging, and may promote weight loss by helping the body process cholesterol. More importantly, they help rid the arteries of cholesterol build up. Another purpose of fatty acids is to assist the adrenal and thyroid glands, which may also help regulate weight.

There are different types of fatty acids. You have most likely heard of certain types, such as Omega 3. Omega-3 is considered an “essential” fatty acid, as is Omega-6. There is one other, Omega-9, but this type can be readily produced by the body, while the other two types cannot.

Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids are found in fish and certain plants. Since they cannot be produced in the body, they must be ingested in the form of foods or natural supplements. However, it is important to discuss all supplements with your healthcare provider before you begin taking them.

Essential fatty acids are required to retain healthy lipid levels in the blood. They are also necessary for proper clotting and regulated blood pressure. Another important function is controlling imflammation in cases of infection or injury. Essential fatty acids can also help the immune system to react properly. While we tend to think of all forms of “fats” as bad or unhealthy, it is important to realize that certain fats, namely fatty acids, are essential for optimum health.

What is Cholesterol?

Cholesterol is a soft, waxy substance found in all parts of the body. Your body makes some cholesterol, and some cholesterol comes from the food you eat.

Your body needs a little bit of cholesterol to work properly. But too much cholesterol can clog your arteries and lead to heart disease

Cholesterol helps the body produce hormones, bile acid, and vitamine D. Cholesterol moves through the bloodstream to be used by all parts of the body.

What is this this?

I woke up this morning and got out of bed. My first thought was "how much to do I weigh?" that is a new thought. It is usually "I don't want to weigh myself!" I am down another pound.

I am having some new thoughts about food. Yesterday I went to Taco Bell and instead of ordering my usual I ordered a (single) taco and a (single) burrito. I blessed the food and I said a couple of affirmations about how the food was good for me and not fattening.

At dinner time I invited a friend over and we got Greek food. I actually didn't finish everything on my plate which is unheard of. Again I blessed the food and said a quick affirmation. I even had ice cream bar. Later on in the evening I went to the kitchen for a snack, more out of habit than real hunger, I stood in front of the fridge and nothing called to me. I ended up having a small handful of walnuts and I was satisfied. What is this? A change in perception about food? Yes indeedy my world is shifting on its axis and I am a very happy camper.

My change in perception about food and saying these affirmations is working. I found that over the past few days I have not obsessed about food. I feel like my mind is a bit more clear, not so much about internalizing but looking out and looking forward. I thought these affirmations, blessings and forgiveness actions would take more time to work, but results have been immediate. I am a very, very happy camper.

An Idea Worth Spreading

TED is a fantastic inspirational website. At Christmas a client gave me a book (I am a bookaholic) entitled: A Stroke of Insight. Jill Bolte Taylor is the author. I just finished watching the video she did talking about her experience. Wonderful, now I have to read the book I was given. Here is the link

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Hold On To the Pain

As a massage therapist, I see a lot of people who are in pain. When I was first out of school I only thought about the physical aspect of pain. I understood how the body transmits pain messages from injury, disease, movement and stress forming in the tissue, signaling through the spinal cord and onto the brain. As a therapist, people expect me to help them ease the pain or get rid of it altogether.

I found myself up on my soap box many a time preaching my viewpoints of how "pain is our friend" (groan) because pain is the message "STOP!" and how the use of painkillers are just that pain killers, they don't handle the source of the pain, they just block the pain receptor messages from the area of discomfort to the brain. So when someone is thinking that they are feeling better because there isn't any pain, the person is unaware that tissue is still dealing with the injury, disease or stress and since they have their "painkiller earplugs" in they can't hear the body's cry for help or the body's shouting "STOP!" They aren't listening to the true messages of the body. But over the years I have learned that telling someone that "pain is your friend" is equivalence to "there is no shame in being poor" being in pain sucks and being broke sucks, nothing wrong with either, they just suck. Pain may serve a purpose and being poor may be character building but they still suck.

The part of pain that I was reticent to deal with is the emotional aspect. Both in helping my clients and myself. I now recognize within myself what a emotard (like that word? I do! Just made it up.) I am. I am emotionally retarded. Not to say that I am emotionless or unfeeling or anything like that, but I have not fully developed my awareness and understanding of emotions. My childhood does not make me a poster child for healthy emotional expression. My youth should make me an expert on emotional suppression and the effects it has on the body, mind and spirit,I feel that I am a walking billboard "what not do to".

Side Note: Shucky-darn! I just googled "emotard" and discovered that I am not the first person to use that word. Urban Dictionary got there first. Stephen Cobert has probably used it as a "word of the day"! Ego is deflated, didn't coin a new word, totally bummed out.

Again, as a therapist, I am really starting to acknowledge the way the body handles the emotions and how much of our pain and suffering is from unexpressed,unacknowledged, suppressed emotions. I have read books by Louise Hay and I have her movie "You can heal your life". I also have a working knowledge of Chinese Medicine 5 Elements Theory of how different visceral organs correspond (not the word I'm looking for but it will do) with different emotions (i.e. liver/gallbladder= anger) but with all this working knowledge I could not help my clients confront the emotional ties that manifest as physical pains. Why can't I help them? What emotard can help anyone else handle their emotions?

I think I am feel-good emotard. (This is not scientific case research- just observational opinion)

Yellow feel-good emotards- can express happiness, joy, the lighter emotions.
Blue feel-bad emotards- can express sorrow, sadness,regret, dispare.
Black feel-really bad emotards- can express anger, rage, hate.
Grey feel-numb emotards- no expression of any emotions.

Feel free to develop your own observational opinions and add/subtract from this as you like.

Many people who are waging their own private wars with obesity and health issues already know this I'm sure. Intellectually I have known this information, but I have not been able to deal it head on. Emotions have been my kryptonite. They are the bogymen hiding under the bed at night.

Emotional pain is not easy to understand. The work that Louise Hay and others have done can help point us in the right direction and give us a bit of a "ah!" awareness of what emotion is a factor when it show up in the body. But I this that is like the diagnosis of the problem not the treatment. There isn't an emotional painkiller that really works. Food doesn't really stuff them down. Alcohol and Drugs don't make them go away. Avoidance will only work so long. The toll that holding onto emotional pain is very costly. Time, energy, relationships, self-worth, money just to name a few. Like pharmaceutical painkillers these things only block the minds ability to receive the pain messages not handle the problem.

I don't have any answers, only more questions. I am just happy that I recognize the problem and that I am looking for help. Isn't that the first step to wellness? Awareness? What's next? Damned if I know.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Beyond the 5 senses

I don't think this is about the subject at hand, but for some reason I am ment to post it here and I have learned that when I am compelled to do something it usually serves a purpose beyond what I can see at the moment.
This is a poem that I wrote a while back. More like a work-in-progress than a finished piece.

Beyond the 5 Senses

Skip past the obvious
The senses that keep us from living up to our fullest potential
Keeping us suspended just above the primordial quagmire
Of the human experience.

Move onto the infinite
time and space does not matter
Matter does not matter
Other senses are not required
Extra sensory perception is not needed
Go to where we practice our knowingness .

Knowing is absolute
we converge with the universe.
Go beyond Freud’s explanation
Reach further than the ego
See past the Superego
Stand where truth is understood
joy is felt
the hearts desire is fulfilled.

Bring knowingness back
To the body, the mind and the heart
experience the awakening of all the senses
With knowingness.

Primal Scream

I am going to ask several friends to go with me to the beach and have Primal Scream session. I realized that this is something that can help me purge some of the anger that is pent up inside. I am not a screamer, I don't yell at people either. I can only remember a few times that I have "lost" it and started yelling and screaming. I think it will be very therapeutic. I hope they will join me. One friend said she's done this before and she loves it. I don't feel like I will love it, I have to trust that I won't fall to pieces. See?! Those negative thoughts taking hold.

"I, Donni, am safe at all times!"

"I, Donni, can scream my fool head off anytime I want and I will be okay."

"I, Donni, will not fall to pieces when I scream, or express anger."

"I, Donni, know that anger is not the same as violence or rage."

"I, Donni, know that I am always in control of my emotions."

"I, Donni, can feel all my emotions safely."

I just realize that I avoid situations where people get "too worked up" or "too much energy". I don't go to clubs, bars, sporting events, etc. I really do avoid situations where my adrenalin gets "pumped" up. Do I have a fear of adrenalin? Do I hold a belief that adrenalin is bad? wrong? Hmmm????

I was raised to "be a lady", very "proper". Add to the fact that I am an Aquarius "Mental over Emotional". My weaker Chakras are the Earth/Root Chakras and the stronger ones are the Air/Spirit ones. Getting primal and grounded is exactly what I need to do. Maybe I even need to roll around in the dirt and get messy! Ewe, not quite there yet.

Sceptical? Me Too!

As I was looking back over the affirmations from the other day, I found myself stopping at the very first one "I, Donni, can lose weight just by the power of my mind." The negative thinking kicked right in. I know that the negative thinking actually has my "best" interests at heart. It is trying to keep me from being bitterly disappointed. This is just too weird. It can't be that easy! It defies everything all the experts know. Who am I to reinvent the wheel?

So, I went to the bathroom scale and I found that I have lost 3 pounds in 2 days. I also spent several minutes on the mini-trampoline (I haven't been on it since I bought it 3 months ago!). Proof is in the pudding. That is a very nice start.

Baby Steps

Today I missed breakfast. It was more important to me to get a few more minutes of sleep.
When I did get the chance to stop and eat I ended up at McD's. But, wonder of wonders- I didn't order my usual. I order one cheeseburger w/o ketchup and a large sweet tea. I stopped myself before eating and said a quick affirmation about "This food is blessed to my body's highest good." and "I am thankful for this food." I even noticed that I took longer to eat it than I usually do. I think I chewed more and stopped between bites longer.

When I got home I went to the fridge and pulled out the remaining red apple. It was the best apple ever! Then I had some popcorn. Now I am thinking, go shopping and get some good healthy happy food.

In the past I have hated grocery shopping. I am so "me" oriented that I have thought that other people around me are judging what is in my basket and the check out clerk is judging me.

New affirmations before shopping: " No one else cares about what I am buying" "My food shopping experience can become a time to learn and appreciate the bountiful amount of food that I have access to."

Another thing that I am going to do is pendulum the food "is this the food that will nourish me?"
I am also going to review all my affirmations so that I am in a good frame of mind before I go shopping.

More thoughts Emerging....

I believe in the power of prayer. Not that I spend a copious amount of time in prayer an supplication. I find my prayer style is more "as the thought arises, any time of the day". I just stop and raise up a prayer and give thanks for the awareness that comes to me.

I remember hearing a story about how Buddha was trying to have his followers come out of an illusion about food. He was trying to teach them that when food is blessed by Spirit it is received by the body for it's highest good. To demonstrate this he ate enough rat poison to kill a large horse. As he sat at the table he slumped over, eyes closed with shallow breath. Everyone thought he was dead or at least dying. After awhile, he "'woke up" and burped. That was it. The effect of that rat poison made him sleepy and gave him a little bit of indigestion. It did not kill him. It did not define his reality. It did not kill him.

So much time and effort is given to the selection of food, the preparation of food, the paying of food, the delivery of food, the nutritional "value" of food. Right down to how do you chew it? But how much time is put into being thankful for it, blessing it to the body's good.

Thoughts about some of Today's Affirmations.

I found myself still resisting some of Today's Affirmations. Not that I thought that all negative thinking would be completely handled in such a short amount of time.

The overall idea of this process is still one of disbelief. I have been raise to think "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is." Why can't something really, really good be true? Spirit didn't create life to be one of drudgery, despair and disappointment. Life is created to celebrate, experience joy, bliss and to see the infinite blessings that are bestowed upon us.

I, Donni, know that all things are possible and life is better than I have experienced it.

I am a researcher, when I have a question, I start looking to others for the answer. I have depended on the "experts". Now I realize that I only need one source. Spirit. Everyone else is under their own illusion and belief system.

What is the saying "If a lie is believed long enough and by enough people, it becomes a truth."? The world is not flat, obesity is not an epidemic, and there is enough food to feed the world population. Spirit is abundance not lack. Mass hysteria, Mass consciousness. It's like the 100 Monkey effect.

I now trust divine truth.

Today's Affirmations

I, Donni, am ready to accept that I do not need to do physical exercises in order to lose weight.

With every breath I draw in, I, Donni, inhale Spirit and love to nourish me.

With each breath I exhale, I, Donni, let out fear, doubt, pain, disillusionment and negativity.

I, Donni, can control my feelings of upset through deep breathing and awareness.

I, Donni, can deal with my known and suppressed anger by breathing it out.

My body obeys the commands that I, Donni, give it now.

I, Donni, deserve to be free of anger and nourished by love.

When I am emotionally upset, I, Donni, can solve my problem without eating.

My body relaxes and my emotions calm down when I, Donni, breath deeply and tell them to.

I, Donni, am safe in the universe because I am protected by Spirit's endless love.

I, Donni, love and admire my body. It is amazing and perfect!

The safer and more alive, I, Donni, feel the less extra weight I carry.

I love Spirit more that I love my weight problem.

I do believe that I can change my weight by changing my mind.

I think it is possible to lose weight without dieting.

I do want to get over my problems and stop complaining.

My weight no longer gets me lots of sympathy and attention from others.

I can solve my problems and stop being angry at myself.

I embrace this process and release all my former belief systems that no longer serve me well.

Through Spirit, all things are possible.

When weight is no longer an issue, I am strong enough to work through other issues.

I exercise for the love of movement and feelings of aliveness.

I eat food that celebrate life and pleasure.

I drink water that nourishes my body.

I, Donni, ask for spiritual guidance to direct my way of eating.

For the help and spiritual guidance that I receive, I give thanks.

I, Donni, turn my body over to my highest good and ask for blessing to be bestowed upon me.

I, Donni, desire freedom from worry, tension, and fear while I am eating.

I, Donni, know with certainty that my appetite for food and my assimilation are in tune with divine order.

I, Donni, do not rely on the thoughts and beliefs of anyone else but Spirit regarding my weight loss.

I, Donni, do not take in any information about weight loss that isn't Spirit led.

I, Donni, release the world from false illusions about food, health and love.

I, Donni, can now eat less food because I am nourished by the love of Spirit.

I, Donni, am sustained and satisfied.

For the freedom of my past negative thoughts and the transformations of my body, I give thanks.

I, Donni, do not need to count calories.

I, Donni, do not need to count points assigned to food.

I, Donni, do not need to analys the nutrition factors in food.

I, Donni, am Spirit led to the best foods that meet my body's needs, wants and desires.

Forgiveness Day 2

Finished writing up my forgiveness statements for my father, mother, and two brothers. Feel good about it. Feels like I forgive myself every time I forgive them. 70 statements of forgiveness each day for 7 days x 4 people. In one week I will have made 1960 forgiveness statements in one month that will be 7840. Excited to see how I feel next month.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Bountiful Feast of Affirmations

Feel the love up in here! Hallelujah! The only thing about to starve is the Negativity I have encased my body in. Every ounce of fat is Negativity. Now to start listing out all the affirmations and to look at them daily and to say them out loud at least 20 times a day! If you say it, it becomes true! What is true for you, it true for you and no one can take it away from you.

I, Donni, can lose weight just by the power of my mind.

It is easy for me, Donni, to lose weight.

Nothing terrible will happen to me, Donni, no matter what I weigh.

I, Donni, am now eating my way to thinness.

I, Donni, can now get my body exactly right.

This diet always works perfectly.

This is taking the right amount of time.

It is working now!

I, Donni, can definitely resolve this weight problem.

I, Donni, always win with food.

Bread is not fattening. I, Donni, can eat bread and be slim.

Candy bars are not fattening. I, Donni, can eat candybars and be slim.

I, Donni, can be slim and stay slim eating ice cream.

The most pleasurable foods are not fattening to me, Donni. They are actually slimming.

I, Donni, will not die whether I eat or not.

Food is not the most important thing to me, Donni.

I, Donni, do not think about food all day long.

Food is safe for me, Donni.

I love food, but I, Donni, can take it or leave it.

I, Donni, do not need to stuff my feelings, with food.

I, Donni, can feel emotions and not need to eat to cope with my emotions.

Love is always first for me, Donni, and then I don't need food to get love.

My body processes everything I, Donni, eat automatically to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.

Everything I, Donni, eat turns to health and beauty.

I, Donni, deserve the pleasure I receive from eating.

I, Donni, am losing weight and gaining beauty now.

I, Donni, am pleasing myself whether I eat or not.

That which is pleasurable to me, Donni, no longer has any undesirable consequences.

All food I, Donni, attract is good for me and I eat it with gratitude and appreciation of the pleasure it gives me.

My metabolism is responding to the new instructions that I, Donni, am giving it.

My hormones are balanced and functioning perfectly.

My electrolytes are stable and functioning perfectly.

I, Donni, am well hydrated.

I, Donni, have the right to change my parents' rules about eating.

I, Donni, can say no without losing others' love.

Calories have no power over me, Donni.

My mind rules my body.

It is safe to be thin.

I, Donni, love my body.

I, Donni, am successful in my weight loss saying these affirmations.

I, Donni, am successful in my health and wellness with Cathleen's LivingtheSpiral.

I, Donni am successful in my weight loss using The only Diet There Is.

I, Donni, sleep well each and every night.

I, Donni, do not worry about food, diet, exercise.

What's my payoff?

Okay, this book The Only Diet There Is is really making me think. It talks about the payoffs people have for being overweight. Real and secret rewards. Rewards? Payoffs?

I get to prove that I am not perfect.
It is okay for me, Donni, to be perfect.

I get to hold a grudge against my grandmother for being so persnickety about food and manners.
It is okay for me, Donni, to stop holding a grudge against my grandmother. She's passed on anyways.

I get to be angry at myself
It is okay for me, Donni to be happy with myself.

I get to wallow in my self loathing
It is okay for me, Donni, to feel self-love.

I get to be the wounded child
It is okay for me, Donni, to be a strong, healthy adult.

I get to punish myself
It is okay for me, Donni, to forgive myself.

I get to be less than others
It is okay for me, Donni, to be equal with others.

I get to keep men from wanting men.
It is okay for me, Donni to be wanted by men. (plural? really? okay!)

I get to be lazy.
It is okay for me, Donni, to be active and ambitious.

I get to have a problem with compliments.
It is okay for me, Donni, to graciously accept compliments.

I get to continue not believing in myself.
It is okay for me, Donni, to believe in myself.

I get to continue not trusting others.
It is okay for me, Donni, to trust others.

I get to isolate myself from others.
It is okay for me, Donni, to surround myself with other people.

I get to eat anything I want and feel miserable about it
It is okay for me, Donni, to eat anything I want and feel great about it.

I get to cast judgment over what I believe to be "healthy" food
It is okay for me, Donni, to believe that all food is healthy.

I get to cast judgment over what I believe to be "unhealthy" food
It is okay for me, Donni, to stop judging food.

I get to have a reason to fail
It is okay for me, Donni, to succeed.

I get to whine, blat, cry, fuss and complain
It is okay for me, Donni, to express myself with joy and happiness.

I get to have others feel bad for me
It is okay for me, Donni, to have others feel happiness for me.

I get to have others worry about my health
It is okay for me, Donni, to stop worrying about my health.

I get to feel like I fit in with the other obese family members
It is okay for me, Donni, to be at a healthy weight and to be a good roll model of health.

I get to worry about my mortality
It is okay for me, Donni, to celebrate my mortality.

I get to blame obesity for everything
It is okay for me, Donni, take responsibility for my life.

I don't have to shave my legs on a regular basis
It is okay for me, Donni, not to shave my legs unless I really want to.

I don't have to be stylish
It is okay for me, Donni, to be stylish. Glamorous even!

I don't have to be girly
It is okay for me, Donni, To be mega-girly! Pink from head to toe!

I don't have to be seen
It is okay for me, Donni, to be seen, heard, and remembered.

I don't have to think about my sexual desires.
It is okay for me, Donni, to be sexy.

I don't have to be afraid of people seeing me exercise and being so uncoordinated.
It is okay for me, Donni, to fall flat on my face and get back up and start again. Let them look all they want!

I don't have to hide behind the "funny fat girl" image.
It is okay for me, Donni, to be funny, smart, sassy, bitchy, and anything else I choose to be.

This is liberating. Scary as hell to be this open! But liberating.

Virtual Me Before and After

How fun is this?! The embarrassing thing about this is that the Virtual scale only went as high as 246 pounds and I weigh about 285! So this Before Virtual Picture is me 40 pounds lighter. The After Virtual Picture is me at 115 pounds. In a dress! Ha! I almost put my Virtual self in a bikini, since it would be the first one I have been in since I was 21 years old. HA HA HA!

Giving Thanks

My posts are piling up on top of one another. I get one finished and another on develops right behind it. Go Spirit! Go!

Thinking about this Negative Diet. I had the thought of Giving Thanks for my food. Whenever I get together my parents or with several friends, they are so great at giving thanks for their food.

Growing up in a fundamental Christian family we said Grace before every meal and sometimes even if we were having a snack, but most of the time I really didn't connect with the words. "Too thee who doth the ravens fee, and lilies clothes with beauteous dress. For rich supplies of all our need. We raise our song of thankfulness." I sang that grace for most of my life and I never connected with it.

Then when I'm with my friends we say "999555 (the number for unconditional love), Cookie's Prayer (very long funny story) and Thank You Jesus." I am just now realizing that these really don't resonate with me. I don't really connect to how they show that I am Thankful for my food.

How can I really be thankful for food when I have honestly looked at it as the enemy? The bane of my adult life? What I really want to say is "Dear Lord, please don't let this pizza go to my fat ass!" Now that is an honest heart felt prayer!

I call myself a foodie. "Hmm, I love my food!" I love food? Not really. I hate food! I hate that others can eat the same thing as me, the same amount as me or even more and not gain a single pound while I pack it on like Donkey Kong!

Sometimes I wish I could stop eating altogether, or stop the way I am with food. Ordering in a Large Pizza and hoping that the delivery guy will think it's going to feed a family of four. Or romanticizing food. I fell in love with the movie Under the Tuscan Sun and how Diane Lane's character brought fancy feasts of Italian meals to the table and fed everyone, it was so festive and family and homey. No one at those tables looked like they worried about over indulging in pasta and red meats!

And now I am learning that it's all from my Stinkin Thinkin about food. I grew up on TV dinners, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Campbell soups. The only time I really ate a nicely prepared meal was visiting other homes. My mom does not like food. She hates cooking. She has no affinity for food. It is a chore. (Hmmm! Sounds familiar) When I refused to eat something (which was most of what was put on my plate) I was made to sit at the table until I finally finished the plate. Food was punishment. OMG! It still is punishment. I punish myself with food for every bad deed, bad thought, failure that I do! Eureka! An Aha Moment. As an adult I have spent a lot of time hiding what I really want to eat. Eating in my car, eating more when no one is around. The shame of eating. The guilt of eating. Eat more to punish myself for how I ate! Madness. I want to develop a health opinion of food. To be able to sit down even when I am by myself and really Give Thanks for what I have before me.

Dueling Dialogs

I'm still reading The Only Diet There Is. It is a Negative Thinking Diet. Since I know the power of Positive Thinking I know that I need to wean myself of all the negative thoughts that I am feeding myself.

This books states " It's not what you eat that can hurt you. It is what you BELIEVE (I know this!) about what you eat that can hurt you. Therefore food is not 'fattening' by itself. The thoughts you have about food are what make it fattening. Your body always obeys the instructions of our mind. It is the instructions you give your body about food that matter. Attitude and belief are the common denominators of all the causes of obesity."

The book also encourages you to write each affirmation down and leave room to one side for a negative response. Doing so can help you really see what stands between you and your goal. When you can finally write the affirmation with only a neutral responses from your subconscious mind ready to proceed. So here it goes:

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I have done some sinful things, what I deserve is to be punished for them.”

“I deserve to maintain m perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I will never get down to 115 pounds!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“That would be too good to be true. I can't bear the disappointment of failure once again when I don't even drop 5 pounds!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“Perfect weight maybe, but it will be so hard to maintain that weight! I don't want my whole life to be about working to keep off the weight. I don't want to be weight obsessed forever!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I am scared that I might be attractive to men, and I suck at relationships!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I will cost me a fortune to lose that much weight!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I haven't been at that weight since I was a teen, what makes me think I can get there at 42?”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“What will happen if I do get down to my perfect weight and no one is attracted to me and I am still alone?”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I would be happy just to get down to a single digit pant size!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“I don't know how to do it!”

“I deserve to maintain my perfect weight of 115 pounds.”
“Bring it on!”

That last statement felt like I am a fighter in the ring ready to battle! I haven't really felt deep inside, but I knew I had to get to that feeling in order to do battle with my Stinkin Thinkin.

Masterful Manifestor Once Again!

A common theme that I know I won't be able to resist posting is about Manifestation. Not to talk about or at least acknowledge is impossible. I am such a huge believer in the Power of Positive Thought. I have learned over the past 6 years that I have been practicing this on pretty much a daily basis, that what I feed my brain matters to what I think about, what I achieve and what opportunities come to me.

I was practicing this before The Secret even came out. Not to say that I am not thankful that The Secret happened, because since it did, there are a lot more people who I can talk to about my beliefs and they aren't thinking I'm side show freak. "Donni's on her Pollyanna Soapbox again, run away! run away!"

I am continually realizing that I AM a MASTER MANIFESTOR! That all the things I want are coming to me. Case in point: Back in November/December of 2008 I realized that I really need to make a huge change in my life, I need to travel, I need a more national/international experience, that I need to be a part of a team and act more as a leader. These are on my Bucket List of things to do/be before I push up daisies.

Last night I was talking to a friend who I've recently renewed a connection with. In our conversation she spoke of her business plan that she will be presenting to investors in the next several months. It will have her developing a team of people who will travel around the country delivering training seminars and also have a non-profit aspect to it. My ears perked up and I could feel my heart pounding a bit faster. To keep the story short, she offered me the opportunity to join her on the road. Eventually she sees her business going International! I told her I'm on board, what ever she needs, I'll do it! (Time to do the happy dance! Whoo Hoo!)

So, if Spirit is so great at helping me Manifest such great things in my life, what is the hold up with manifesting weight loss? Manifesting a healthy exercise regime? Manifesting a love life?
Last year I wanted to take some time off- I came into some money and I was able to take a vacation. I wanted new furniture, it came to me. I wanted to move to a new apartment, the opportunity came. Now, I wanted this to happen and it was delivered in exactly the package that I asked for. WHY NOT WEIGHT LOSS?

Well, anything to do about work, I've not had any problems with, my beliefs in my work ability and the opportunities that come to me are not blocked with doubts or fears. Weight Loss and Relationships are a totally different species. They are riddled with fear, doubt and wrong beliefs.

I need to take the time and look at what weeds I'm planting along side the seeds of success, and we all know that weeds grow faster than any other kind of plant, they can grow fast and they can choke out all other plants. So I need to tend my garden and root up those weeds and get rid of them so that the seeds of success can grow and flourish! Let them see the light of day.

Happy Go Lucky

In an ongoing effort to find truly happy, uplifting movies. I found this one! Happy Go Lucky. I haven't seen it yet, but from the description it sounds perfect. I am working on only watching uplifting, inspirational, informative tv or movies. So far the Discovery Channel and I have become late night buddies. I am in the middle of watching all the Planet Earth shows.
It's hard to find an inspirational movie that isn't religious based or have some agenda. The last one that I really liked was The Pursuit of Happyness.

Just how hard is it to be happy? In the effervescent new comedy Sally Hawkins stars as Poppy, an irrepressibly free-spirited school teacher who brings an infectious laugh and an unsinkable sense of optimism to every situation she encounters, offering us a touching, truthful and deeply life-affirming exploration of one of the most mysterious and often the most elusive of all human qualities: happiness. Poppy’s ability to maintain her perspective is tested as the story begins and her commuter bike is stolen. However, she enthusiastically signs up for driving lessons with Scott, who turns out to be her nemesis — a fuming, uptight cynic. As the tension of their weekly lessons builds, Poppy encounters even more challenges to her positive state of mind: a fiery flamenco instructor, her bitter pregnant sister, a troubled homeless man and a young bully in her class, not to mention that she has also thrown out her back. How this affects not only Poppy’s world view but also the outlook of those around her begs the question, “glass half full or half empty?”

Forgiveness Day 1

Bright and early this morning I got up and started my forgiveness writings. I found that I could forgive my father, my mother and my older brother 70 times each as I typed the phrases "I, Donni, forgive .......... in three columns per page, it took almost two pages to type these three loved ones.

This task reminded me of when teachers used to make student go up to the blackboard and write "I will not ......" a hundred times. I'm sure repetition is the key to this task. How many times does it take to sink in, obviously more than one time! No wonder I wasn't having any success! I always want it to be easy breezy!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Forgive, sure. Forget, not so sure.

Thanks to Jo for some great food for thought! (check out her comments posted with "Angry White Woman") Great points. I got stuck on Catherine Ponders Step 2 also. I wonder if it should be "ask for forgiveness from others"? Forgive and forget. That is so tricky. I think I can handle the forgiveness part because I want to be forgiven, tit for tat. One of my friends is always saying "I am only responsible for making sure my side of the street is clean."

But the forgetting is what is hard. I think it is more like forgive today and forget about it, then when you remember it again, forget it again, and again and again, ad infinitum. Forgetting is a constant act. Isn't that a NewYorkers' favorite phrase "fagetaboutit"?

Because we have been given the ability to remember it is very hard to truly forget. I am hopeful that the more I forgive others the less time I will feel the need to rehash old crap. And if it comes to mind, I hope that my emotional responses to it lessens each and every time I remember. Or in other words, I become less in effect to it and more at cause over my thoughts and responses.

I like to blame it all on my ego. Just when I am having a great day. My ego can't stand my great mood and it will flash a memory infront of me and I can be plunged into despair. Complete nose dive. Ego doesn't like it when our spirit is in the drivers seat. It would like to stuff our spirit in the trunk and lose the key. It can't help it, it's fighting for its very existance. Why would we need an ego if we were operating on a spirit level 24/7/365? Ego must have nightmares of ending up as something akin to the Maytag Repair man of our human existance-irrelivant and unused. One author describes the ego in such a great way; "The human face of that ego is pride; is arrogant self-importance; is narcissistic self-infatuation; is the need to see oneself as being separate at all times, in all places, through all circumstances—and that ego is the unrelenting enemy of all that is truly wholesome in the human experience."

What better weapon does the ego have to help it's survival than making us remember every minute detail of our miserable existance? Forget it! And when we remember again, ego throws it up in our face "see, you just can't let it go!" the what follows? Shame, guilt, self-loathing "why can't I be more forgiving? Why can't I forget? I am such a terrible person, I don't deserve to be forgiven if I can't forgive myself". Ego shoots and ego scores!

Separation, that is a whole other topic to delve into. I'm still working on writing up my 70 affirmations of forgiveness of my father to really look into it.

Angry white Woman

I have had a book on my shelves for several years now and yesterday when I was putting one book away, I picked this one up. (I am a bookaholic!) The Only Diet There Is by Sondra Ray. It is a very unusual diet book. There are no recipes, not diet tips, no calorie counting. It is filled with ways to look at our negative thinking and then fix them with affirmations. For some reason I have a love/hate relationship with affirmations. It stems from disbelief that they can work. I can't seem to stick to saying them over and over throughout the day, every day. I don't let them work, because I don't try to make them work. I say them a few times and then I fall back into my lazy mode and forget about them.

Reading through the book I got to Step Four: Give up Anger. I stopped dead in my tracks. The first thing it states that you have to do is forgive. A Course in Miracles explains that all distress is due to unforgiveness and that forgiveness is our only function. I thought love was our only function, then I realized I can't love if I don't forgive. Duh! Forgiveness is also the Master Erase. Forgiveness means forgiving yourself and forgiving others as well. It means getting clear on what you are angry about and then letting go of it.

Catherine Ponder (author of Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, Dynamic Laws of Prayer) states there are five steps to complete forgiveness:
1. You forgive others
2. They forgive you
3. You forgive yourself
4. You give up all claim to punishment
5. You restore harmony as it was before the event.

So, after taking the steps to heal from Forgiveness, it's back to Anger.
What is my history with anger? I grew up in an Angry home. Don't wake the sleeping tiger. Tip toe around the anger. It wasn't a violent home or dangerous environment. Arguments and fights would break out here and there, but it was more like Anger was the other person living in the house and you just never talked about it. I think everyone in my family learned to suppress anger. I am now amazed that our heads didn't burst years ago!

I hate getting angry! I don't know what to do with it. But in reality, I am always angry. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to think I'm a happy person. But I am really one very angry person. I am angry at myself all the time. I am angry deep inside and I don't know how to let it all out in a healthy way. So I have eaten my anger, I've stuffed it and my face with pounds of food.

Because I don't want to express outward Anger. I worry that I won't know how to control it. I don't want to be "blinded by anger". I have learned to approach it with sarcasm. I have acted passive/aggressive and I have internalized it. I am a simmer pot of seething anger. All because I have not forgiven myself and others for past wrongs. I have not let things go I chew those bones down to the marrow. I need to learn how to safely and lovingly express my anger. This book that I am reading suggests going somewhere like the beach and just screaming. Getting it all out. Laying in bed and pounding the pillows kicking and screaming. Taking up boxing or martial arts where you kick and scream in a controlled environment. I like the beach idea the best. I think I am going to call a friend and have her drive me there and back because I have a feeling that I will be too spent to drive myself home.

The book reminded me of what Jesus said:" Forgive seventy times seven" Obviously saying an affirmation of forgiveness once or twice isn't enough. No wonder they didn't seem to "work" for me and I would give them up! Seventy times seven is the number of completion. Completion means filled up, with nothing lacking, or perfectly equipped and skilled. To feel free of guilt or fear. Complete. The book suggests that if you do something seventy times seven it would show your intention is so high that you really mean it. When something is complete, there is a flowing fluid energy that is total love and it is as deep as your molecules, your DNA and when it is that deep it changes you, your thoughts your habits, your weight. Our molecules are guided by our mind, so our thoughts dictate our body functions.

So doing something like forgiving others and self seventy time a day would take seven days till completion, then the energy of love would be flowing deeply.

So this week's affirmation that I will say seventy times a day is "I forgive my father completely."
Next week: "I forgive my mother completely." and the following week "I forgive myself completely."

Monday, March 30, 2009

Modern Day Harmonic Convergence

I was in the car with a several friends this evening, after a nice walk along the Gulf of Mexico , then we drove over to our favorite Thai Restaurant for a bowl of chicken rice soup, on the drive back we were listening to a spiritual leader tape and he mentioned the term harmonic convergence. I don't know what he said after that because I got stuck on thinking about what that phrase even means.

As soon as I arrive home I looked it up on wikipedia. Apparently it was a two day event back in 1987 where people gathered together in sacred places across the globe to usher in the "new age", the dates chosen had something to do with the Mayan Calender and a planetary alignment within the Solar System. Long story short, everyone was coming together to awaken love and unity. Que the old Coke Cola commercial jingle...
"I'd like to teach the world to sing,
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company
I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills "Ah, peace throughout the land", la la la la la la la.

I am not a big follower of the 2012 theories nor do I have any intention of wasting precious brain space in trying to wrap myself around the subject. But something about that phrase really appeals to me. One definition of harmonics is: one whose vibration frequency is an integral multiple of that of the fundamental. Convergence means: to come together and unite in a common interest or focus.

What a Pollyanna feel good phrase. Almost as good as Hope and Change. (The only political reference I plan on making in this blog. I promise.)

Can I steal that phrase and retool it? Is it trade marked? Would a the then peace-loving gatherers come at me with pitchforks, tar and feathers?

I don't know enough about cosmology to select a day that would be of planetary segnificance, but I always like the method of blind fold, dart and calender. Or the eney meaney miney moe process of elimination too. What month has no holidays? June? August? The middle of the month is usually good.

Since my whole existence is currently about my weight loss, that could be the new focus. I could have everyone who is of like vibration come together and focus on the big issue that is behind weight...Self Love!

It just might take a field full of people coming together and focusing on self-love for me to really start to love myself. I don't know why I am so freakin hard on myself, why I beat myself up for the least little thing? Why I can't look in a full length mirror and like what I see? Why can't I accept the fact that others think I am pretty? Why won't I let others fall in love with me? Why is the wall that I have built around myself taller than the wall of China? Why did Reagan's voice just enter my brain and say "Donni, this wall must come down!"? Damn! Another political reference, I am so sorry!

I need to have my thoughts, my actions and my feelings all be on the same page. I need internal harmonic convergence. I need to stop any self loathing statements. Maybe an electronic shock collar programmed to zap me each and every time I even think about a negative thought about myself.

Awhile ago a lady at Cathleen's last class suggested an evening where women get together and lay down on a big piece of paper to trace the outline of their body and then color it in as a piece of artwork. At the time that that was mentioned I said "Hell no!". All I could think was "I do not want to see just how big I really am. Too much reality! I can't even post a full body picture, no way to I want wall art depicting my fat...." Zap!

Sleeping my way to Weight Loss

"It has been a long established fact that when we sleep, hormones are effected and released. Leptin and Ghrelin are two such hormones that influence our appetite but the production of these hormones largely depends on how much sleep you get and what quality of sleep you get as well. Leptin and Ghrelin acts as the "checks and balances" to control feelings of hunger and fullness. Ghrelin is produced in the gastrointestinal tract and it stimulates appetite, while Leptin, produced in fat cells and it sends a signal to the brain when you are full.

Both of these hormones are just two of the many other various hormones secreted by your body and influenced by the hypothalamus of your brain. And the secretion as well as the timing of the release of these hormones and their functions and productions all depends on how much sleep you get and what quality of sleep you experience each night. For a patient with sleep disorder, it is natural for them to have bad appetite and high-fat and unhealthy diet practices." Ebey Soman

I was online looking at some weight loss suppliments and I ran across Leptin and Ghrelin. The search continued onto Helium ( a place where authors write publicly to get exposure to publishing companies and such).

This information really resonates with me. Sleep is an ongoing battle. So I am going to be more diligent in getting to bed before 11pm and getting ample sleep. I have been using Peter Gilman's Natural Calm which is a Magnesium/Calcium powder that you mix up with a bit of hot water and drink 20 minutes before bedtime. It's effervescent. I do sleep better and that combo is great on healing nerve stress. (Who doesn't have nerve stress these days?)

"Getting the right amount of sleep can be the first step to making sure that you're getting the ghrelin / leptin balance that your body needs to naturally maintain a healthy weight. You should also be getting sleep at the right times, not going to bed excessively late and not sleeping only a little bit one day and then a lot the next to make up for it. As much as possible, you should try to get between 6-8 hours of sleep per night if you want to naturally balance out your ghrelin and leptin levels."

Leptin is a hormone produced by the body's fat cells and involved in the regulation of body weight. What? Our fat cells, that adipose tissue has become an organ in the body. It is a hormone producing organ? Yep! The fat that we have on our body sends out Leptin messages to the brain that demands more fat to keep it alive. What a cruel biochemical joke! I am not amused. So being hypoleptin is a factor.

Ghrelin is a hormone produced in the stomach and pancreas that stimulates the appetite, factors in our production of growth hormone (youth hormone), our adapatability to change in enviroment, our ability to learn, lung developement, and defence agains anxiety and stress.

Just a Quick Note to other Bloggers

I want to thank you if you are following my blog. I see some have made comments about my blog posts and I am amazed that anyone is even reading this at all!

I wish this had an Twitter component to it or at least someway to respond to your comments. More than likely there is, I'm just a tech dunce and can't figure it out. When you post comments and then I post a comment in reply to your comment, does that comment get direct back to you or do you just read my post script comments when you read my blog again? Too complicated!

Method to the Madness

Q: What is this blog all about?
a. A weight loss blog
b. A spiritual journey blog
c. A Law of Attraction blog?
d. A whine about aches and pains blog?
e. All of above

A: E

I started this blog as a place to journal all my thoughts, feelings and day-to-day experiences because I hate journalling in notebooks. I will go through pages and pages of a notebook and cross out half of what I write as fanciful meanederings of a self-absorbed mind (in other words, complete BS). This is at least saving paper consumption. How Green of me, eh? I could have kept a private word doc. journal and be happy that it at least has spell check and a delete button, but something compelled me to start a blog.

When I am compelled to do things I have come to realize that that is when Spirit is guiding the thought and action and I had just better do it and save myself time, energy and thought that it takes to resist the message. Not that I don't resist, but after a period of time, I end up getting tired of hearing the message over and over again and it's easier to just do it. Who knew that Spirit is like a nagging mother?!

Because I try to live a life that is Spirit lead, I knew that even my weight loss journey would be "unconventional". When I look at a problem I don't just think of it from a mental/emotional/physical angle I have learned to look at it from a spiritual angle first and the others naturally fall into place.

First and foremost, I am writing this blog for me. Since I am in the "Before" stage of doing Cathleen's program I wanted to have some data for myself to look at and see where I am at before and to be able to compair it to what I will be doing "During" and then see where I am "After" the program. I didn't plan it this way, again, I was compelled to do it this way. Nag nag nag.

I have read blogs of others who are on their journeys to losing weight and they have wonderful posts about what they ate, how much they exercised, photos of themselves along the way and how they feel about their experiences and a chart recording their day to day weight loss ups and downs. I wanted to do that too! (Well, except for a full body photo- ain't no way I was ready to do that!) But nooooo. I was again compelled to do it this way. If you only knew how many posts I have started and never posted because Spirit has the final editing nay/yeah vote. Grrr! I even had the weight loss chart at the bottom of the blog and I thought that was a win for me and what I want. But nope, this morning the message was- "Take that out." Fine! Kicking and fussing as a mature adult just isn't the same as when you are a kid. Pouting doesn't even work. Maddening.

Bye Bye organized weight loss tracking chart! I have even tried to make some semblance of order to my posts, but the message has been "this will be a post that is more stream consciousness flow".

What does that even mean? "Stream consciousness flow"? Sounds all fancy and impressive. Well I don't want to go to Webster dictionary right now and get the formal definition of it, but to explain what it means to me is this...

...When I sit down to write a post I don't come with a preconceived topic to write about. I sit down and I take a moment to listen to Spirit and ask "what's the subject I will be writing about" and the first thought that comes to me is it. And after that I just start writing. I just let the words come and let them flow. Other than some minor editing, I don't change a thing. Some of the post that I have already shared, such as the posts about the ringing in my ear made me think "Really? Is this a factor in my weight loss success?" No Answer. "Okay, fine, I'll write about the ringing in my ear!" Or writing about the things I love. When I first started that post I thought, okay this is a feel nice post and I always like to be an a state of appreciation (Law of Attraction) so I can get into it. But what I didn't realize was how good I was going to feel for the rest of the day! It affected what I ate, how I talked to people, where I went, what I did. Everything. It was as if that day just GLOWED! All from a blogging post! Who Knew? Well, apparently Spirit did, but I didn't. That was one sign to me that this form of journalling will work for me if I just let it.

The one thing I feel I do have complete say of is the pictures that I select to go with the post. Spirit gave me that. What a benevolent being! Sure enough, I couldn't find a picture to go along with this post... go figure!

I hope that as I go along this journey all of this will end up making more and more sense, even to me. I look back on my posts and think "what the F*#&?!" I am just trusting Spirit that in time it will all make sense. I really do hope there is a Method to the Madness. Not that I really care, what I want is results! I want to loose weight. I want to feel healthy and I don't want to be unhappy. Period.


In the last post I title it "Chakra and other crazy words". I failed to deliver my complete thought, it got too late to type any more and I had a long day in class. Can't be cranky in class because you don't get enough sleep from blogging into the wee hours.

I mentioned auras. I first want to state that I am not an expert in anything that I am talking about, these are just my ever so humble opinions.

It is becoming more and more common to hear of people "seeing auras" or "reading auras". Those New Age People. What are they talking about? Why can they see them and everyone else can't? More mystical, magical voo-doo? I think everyone can sense auras. You see a vibrant person who "shines" or "brightens up the room" when they walk in. Aura.

You see a couple who are deeply in love and there is that "glow" of love that envelopes them. Aura.

A person has a "black cloud" around them. Yes, negative energy is seen in the aura too.

So sensing is usually the first step. It's just not taught in schools and churches.

Auras are the energies that surround every single thing. Animate and Inanimate.

Have you ever heard the expression "there was an aura of mystery about that old house." Walked in to a room and felt the heebee geebees? Energy radiates from everything. Aura is the energy radiating beyond the physical borders of the object, person, animal.

Our moods can affect our auras. Our health too. You sense these things about people and things. You are just not trained to see it. But you can. You just need to learn how to. There are books and teachers who are trained to help others learn this.

So I think of chakras as the "internal energy" and auras as the "external energy". Just to keep it simple in my little ol noggin.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Chakra and other crazy words

I was reading a post script from Jo and I could really related to her comments. Chakra is a foreign word in a foreign language that has become a buzz word in our modern American culture. Chakra, because it seems a bit mystical and magical we wonder if this can be accepted in a christian based society.

I don't think this blog is my forum to explain my person beliefs, but if you spend any time reading my posts, you can quickly realized that I will quote the bible in one sentence and a eastern text in the next and a quote from the Course in Miracles in the next.

I keep my ideas very simple, not much room up there in the ol noggin to be very complex, I like to reserve enough space in the memory banks for remembering my favorite commercial jingles.

In keeping things simple, I have come to think of Chakra just as energy in the body. And just like the blood can get blocked (blood clots), lymph can get blocked, the digestive system gets blocked (constipation) so can enrgy get blocked. All our systems are run as flowing systems, we feel good when everything is flowing. We feel yucky when our systems don't flow.

The great think about energy blocks in the body is that we don't have to medicate the problem. If you have every studied Homeopathy which teaches to "treat like with like" so to handle an energy problem in the body you treat it with .... energy. Simple, free and an infinate supply all around you, just like air.

Now why hasn't western culture acknowledged the energy system of the body? Because the eastern theories and practices believe that the energy body extends to "outside" the body and that just doesn't easily compute in our little ol noggins.

But what is ironic to me is that when you see Christian portraits of Jesus, or the Mother Mary you see them with these shining golden/white lights surrounding them- yep, auras or energy bodies. Potato-Potato.

What was my problem?

Okay, before this training class I was freaking out. The class has 8 people in it. Smallest training class I've ever attended, but that's besides the point.

When it was my turn to get on the table, I took off my sweater, stood there in a sports tank top and bra with stretchy calf length pants and revealed to the world my bumps and bulges and no one stopped and gasped! The world didn't even shift on its axis.

No one cared. I think I judge myself so harshly! I am my own worst critic. All that panic and anxiety for nothing. I really need to get a new hobby, stressing myself out isn't a very good one.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

More about Cathleen's Program

Living the Spiral is a book that Cathleen Miller wrote and it has "spiraled" into a 5 week class too! It a cleanse that focuses on your mind/body/spirit/energy/emotions through daily chakra energy centers.

I am learning more and more about our "energy body" and how when we get our chakras balanced we can heal in all the aspects of our "selves" (mind/body/spirit/energy/emotions).

To most people this sounds insane and very New Age, but Eastern cultures have practicing this form of healing for centuries.

To honor Cathleen's hard work in developing this book and class I won't be writing too much "specifics" about her program. That's why I deleted most of my previous posts. BUY THE BOOK, CHECK OUT HER WEBSITE ( If you are in the Tampa Bay area- JOIN THE CLASS!

Some of the other attendees have been through her class 3 or 4 times. This will be my second, but the first one I wasn't very happy with my lack of total participation, so I am treating this next cycle as if it were my first.

I have a friend in New York City who is doing the program on her own, just from reading Cathleen's book! She is loving it! Her goal is to heal from Fibromyalgia. It isn't just about Weight Loss (that's just my focus). It's about healing anything that keeps you from living your life to the fullest. Again, when the chakra centers are balanced, everything in life is balanced.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Bra and Short? Are you Kidding Me?!

I am attending a training class this weekend, as required by my health care license. I will be learning Assisted Isolated Stretching, it's a great program to work with clients in helping them stretch tight muscles and increase their mobility and range of motion. I was very excited until I read the prep list: Massage Table, Bolster Pillows, light weight blanket, lotions/oils, must wear shorts and for female attendees, sports bras.

Gulp! No way! Ain't happening. In a class room that could have 30-50 people in it?
Please Lord, help me to drop 30 pounds by 7am in the morning. Miracles happen right?! To bad panic doesn't burn calories, I would have sweat off at least that much if not more.

Okay, find a safe thought..... " I am a vibrant, beautiful..." aw $&%* that is not going to work. What I really need to chant to myself is "I will not become the class clown to hide my bad feelings behind" I will just be professional and have my attention on learning all that I can to the best of my ability. It's not about me it's about the information that I need to absorb that can help my clients.

Public situations are getting harder and harder to face. But these are my peers, they are bodyworkers, they touch bodies my size or bigger. What am I freaking out for? Ego. It's got to be ego. The reality of my obesity smacks me upside the ego in public situations and ego doesn't like it. Letting it go.... go get that sports bra and short and shut up! Whining, I am whining a lot recently, must be the resistance, that's a good sign. If it hurts it must be touching a nerve of truth.