Tuesday, March 31, 2009
But the forgetting is what is hard. I think it is more like forgive today and forget about it, then when you remember it again, forget it again, and again and again, ad infinitum. Forgetting is a constant act. Isn't that a NewYorkers' favorite phrase "fagetaboutit"?
Because we have been given the ability to remember it is very hard to truly forget. I am hopeful that the more I forgive others the less time I will feel the need to rehash old crap. And if it comes to mind, I hope that my emotional responses to it lessens each and every time I remember. Or in other words, I become less in effect to it and more at cause over my thoughts and responses.
I like to blame it all on my ego. Just when I am having a great day. My ego can't stand my great mood and it will flash a memory infront of me and I can be plunged into despair. Complete nose dive. Ego doesn't like it when our spirit is in the drivers seat. It would like to stuff our spirit in the trunk and lose the key. It can't help it, it's fighting for its very existance. Why would we need an ego if we were operating on a spirit level 24/7/365? Ego must have nightmares of ending up as something akin to the Maytag Repair man of our human existance-irrelivant and unused. One author describes the ego in such a great way; "The human face of that ego is pride; is arrogant self-importance; is narcissistic self-infatuation; is the need to see oneself as being separate at all times, in all places, through all circumstances—and that ego is the unrelenting enemy of all that is truly wholesome in the human experience."
What better weapon does the ego have to help it's survival than making us remember every minute detail of our miserable existance? Forget it! And when we remember again, ego throws it up in our face "see, you just can't let it go!" the what follows? Shame, guilt, self-loathing "why can't I be more forgiving? Why can't I forget? I am such a terrible person, I don't deserve to be forgiven if I can't forgive myself". Ego shoots and ego scores!
Separation, that is a whole other topic to delve into. I'm still working on writing up my 70 affirmations of forgiveness of my father to really look into it.
I have had a book on my shelves for several years now and yesterday when I was putting one book away, I picked this one up. (I am a bookaholic!) The Only Diet There Is by Sondra Ray. It is a very unusual diet book. There are no recipes, not diet tips, no calorie counting. It is filled with ways to look at our negative thinking and then fix them with affirmations. For some reason I have a love/hate relationship with affirmations. It stems from disbelief that they can work. I can't seem to stick to saying them over and over throughout the day, every day. I don't let them work, because I don't try to make them work. I say them a few times and then I fall back into my lazy mode and forget about them.
Reading through the book I got to Step Four: Give up Anger. I stopped dead in my tracks. The first thing it states that you have to do is forgive. A Course in Miracles explains that all distress is due to unforgiveness and that forgiveness is our only function. I thought love was our only function, then I realized I can't love if I don't forgive. Duh! Forgiveness is also the Master Erase. Forgiveness means forgiving yourself and forgiving others as well. It means getting clear on what you are angry about and then letting go of it.
Catherine Ponder (author of Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, Dynamic Laws of Prayer) states there are five steps to complete forgiveness:
1. You forgive others
2. They forgive you
3. You forgive yourself
4. You give up all claim to punishment
5. You restore harmony as it was before the event.
So, after taking the steps to heal from Forgiveness, it's back to Anger.
What is my history with anger? I grew up in an Angry home. Don't wake the sleeping tiger. Tip toe around the anger. It wasn't a violent home or dangerous environment. Arguments and fights would break out here and there, but it was more like Anger was the other person living in the house and you just never talked about it. I think everyone in my family learned to suppress anger. I am now amazed that our heads didn't burst years ago!
I hate getting angry! I don't know what to do with it. But in reality, I am always angry. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to think I'm a happy person. But I am really one very angry person. I am angry at myself all the time. I am angry deep inside and I don't know how to let it all out in a healthy way. So I have eaten my anger, I've stuffed it and my face with pounds of food.
Because I don't want to express outward Anger. I worry that I won't know how to control it. I don't want to be "blinded by anger". I have learned to approach it with sarcasm. I have acted passive/aggressive and I have internalized it. I am a simmer pot of seething anger. All because I have not forgiven myself and others for past wrongs. I have not let things go I chew those bones down to the marrow. I need to learn how to safely and lovingly express my anger. This book that I am reading suggests going somewhere like the beach and just screaming. Getting it all out. Laying in bed and pounding the pillows kicking and screaming. Taking up boxing or martial arts where you kick and scream in a controlled environment. I like the beach idea the best. I think I am going to call a friend and have her drive me there and back because I have a feeling that I will be too spent to drive myself home.
The book reminded me of what Jesus said:" Forgive seventy times seven" Obviously saying an affirmation of forgiveness once or twice isn't enough. No wonder they didn't seem to "work" for me and I would give them up! Seventy times seven is the number of completion. Completion means filled up, with nothing lacking, or perfectly equipped and skilled. To feel free of guilt or fear. Complete. The book suggests that if you do something seventy times seven it would show your intention is so high that you really mean it. When something is complete, there is a flowing fluid energy that is total love and it is as deep as your molecules, your DNA and when it is that deep it changes you, your thoughts your habits, your weight. Our molecules are guided by our mind, so our thoughts dictate our body functions.
So doing something like forgiving others and self seventy time a day would take seven days till completion, then the energy of love would be flowing deeply.
So this week's affirmation that I will say seventy times a day is "I forgive my father completely."
Next week: "I forgive my mother completely." and the following week "I forgive myself completely."
Monday, March 30, 2009
I was in the car with a several friends this evening, after a nice walk along the Gulf of Mexico , then we drove over to our favorite Thai Restaurant for a bowl of chicken rice soup, on the drive back we were listening to a spiritual leader tape and he mentioned the term harmonic convergence. I don't know what he said after that because I got stuck on thinking about what that phrase even means.
As soon as I arrive home I looked it up on wikipedia. Apparently it was a two day event back in 1987 where people gathered together in sacred places across the globe to usher in the "new age", the dates chosen had something to do with the Mayan Calender and a planetary alignment within the Solar System. Long story short, everyone was coming together to awaken love and unity. Que the old Coke Cola commercial jingle...
"I'd like to teach the world to sing,
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company
I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills "Ah, peace throughout the land", la la la la la la la.
I am not a big follower of the 2012 theories nor do I have any intention of wasting precious brain space in trying to wrap myself around the subject. But something about that phrase really appeals to me. One definition of harmonics is: one whose vibration frequency is an integral multiple of that of the fundamental. Convergence means: to come together and unite in a common interest or focus.
What a Pollyanna feel good phrase. Almost as good as Hope and Change. (The only political reference I plan on making in this blog. I promise.)
Can I steal that phrase and retool it? Is it trade marked? Would a the then peace-loving gatherers come at me with pitchforks, tar and feathers?
I don't know enough about cosmology to select a day that would be of planetary segnificance, but I always like the method of blind fold, dart and calender. Or the eney meaney miney moe process of elimination too. What month has no holidays? June? August? The middle of the month is usually good.
Since my whole existence is currently about my weight loss, that could be the new focus. I could have everyone who is of like vibration come together and focus on the big issue that is behind weight...Self Love!
It just might take a field full of people coming together and focusing on self-love for me to really start to love myself. I don't know why I am so freakin hard on myself, why I beat myself up for the least little thing? Why I can't look in a full length mirror and like what I see? Why can't I accept the fact that others think I am pretty? Why won't I let others fall in love with me? Why is the wall that I have built around myself taller than the wall of China? Why did Reagan's voice just enter my brain and say "Donni, this wall must come down!"? Damn! Another political reference, I am so sorry!
I need to have my thoughts, my actions and my feelings all be on the same page. I need internal harmonic convergence. I need to stop any self loathing statements. Maybe an electronic shock collar programmed to zap me each and every time I even think about a negative thought about myself.
Awhile ago a lady at Cathleen's last class suggested an evening where women get together and lay down on a big piece of paper to trace the outline of their body and then color it in as a piece of artwork. At the time that that was mentioned I said "Hell no!". All I could think was "I do not want to see just how big I really am. Too much reality! I can't even post a full body picture, no way to I want wall art depicting my fat...." Zap!
Both of these hormones are just two of the many other various hormones secreted by your body and influenced by the hypothalamus of your brain. And the secretion as well as the timing of the release of these hormones and their functions and productions all depends on how much sleep you get and what quality of sleep you experience each night. For a patient with sleep disorder, it is natural for them to have bad appetite and high-fat and unhealthy diet practices." Ebey Soman
I was online looking at some weight loss suppliments and I ran across Leptin and Ghrelin. The search continued onto Helium ( a place where authors write publicly to get exposure to publishing companies and such).
This information really resonates with me. Sleep is an ongoing battle. So I am going to be more diligent in getting to bed before 11pm and getting ample sleep. I have been using Peter Gilman's Natural Calm which is a Magnesium/Calcium powder that you mix up with a bit of hot water and drink 20 minutes before bedtime. It's effervescent. I do sleep better and that combo is great on healing nerve stress. (Who doesn't have nerve stress these days?)
"Getting the right amount of sleep can be the first step to making sure that you're getting the ghrelin / leptin balance that your body needs to naturally maintain a healthy weight. You should also be getting sleep at the right times, not going to bed excessively late and not sleeping only a little bit one day and then a lot the next to make up for it. As much as possible, you should try to get between 6-8 hours of sleep per night if you want to naturally balance out your ghrelin and leptin levels."
Leptin is a hormone produced by the body's fat cells and involved in the regulation of body weight. What? Our fat cells, that adipose tissue has become an organ in the body. It is a hormone producing organ? Yep! The fat that we have on our body sends out Leptin messages to the brain that demands more fat to keep it alive. What a cruel biochemical joke! I am not amused. So being hypoleptin is a factor.
Ghrelin is a hormone produced in the stomach and pancreas that stimulates the appetite, factors in our production of growth hormone (youth hormone), our adapatability to change in enviroment, our ability to learn, lung developement, and defence agains anxiety and stress.
I wish this had an Twitter component to it or at least someway to respond to your comments. More than likely there is, I'm just a tech dunce and can't figure it out. When you post comments and then I post a comment in reply to your comment, does that comment get direct back to you or do you just read my post script comments when you read my blog again? Too complicated!
a. A weight loss blog
b. A spiritual journey blog
c. A Law of Attraction blog?
d. A whine about aches and pains blog?
e. All of above
I started this blog as a place to journal all my thoughts, feelings and day-to-day experiences because I hate journalling in notebooks. I will go through pages and pages of a notebook and cross out half of what I write as fanciful meanederings of a self-absorbed mind (in other words, complete BS). This is at least saving paper consumption. How Green of me, eh? I could have kept a private word doc. journal and be happy that it at least has spell check and a delete button, but something compelled me to start a blog.
When I am compelled to do things I have come to realize that that is when Spirit is guiding the thought and action and I had just better do it and save myself time, energy and thought that it takes to resist the message. Not that I don't resist, but after a period of time, I end up getting tired of hearing the message over and over again and it's easier to just do it. Who knew that Spirit is like a nagging mother?!
Because I try to live a life that is Spirit lead, I knew that even my weight loss journey would be "unconventional". When I look at a problem I don't just think of it from a mental/emotional/physical angle I have learned to look at it from a spiritual angle first and the others naturally fall into place.
First and foremost, I am writing this blog for me. Since I am in the "Before" stage of doing Cathleen's program I wanted to have some data for myself to look at and see where I am at before and to be able to compair it to what I will be doing "During" and then see where I am "After" the program. I didn't plan it this way, again, I was compelled to do it this way. Nag nag nag.
I have read blogs of others who are on their journeys to losing weight and they have wonderful posts about what they ate, how much they exercised, photos of themselves along the way and how they feel about their experiences and a chart recording their day to day weight loss ups and downs. I wanted to do that too! (Well, except for a full body photo- ain't no way I was ready to do that!) But nooooo. I was again compelled to do it this way. If you only knew how many posts I have started and never posted because Spirit has the final editing nay/yeah vote. Grrr! I even had the weight loss chart at the bottom of the blog and I thought that was a win for me and what I want. But nope, this morning the message was- "Take that out." Fine! Kicking and fussing as a mature adult just isn't the same as when you are a kid. Pouting doesn't even work. Maddening.
Bye Bye organized weight loss tracking chart! I have even tried to make some semblance of order to my posts, but the message has been "this will be a post that is more stream consciousness flow".
What does that even mean? "Stream consciousness flow"? Sounds all fancy and impressive. Well I don't want to go to Webster dictionary right now and get the formal definition of it, but to explain what it means to me is this...
...When I sit down to write a post I don't come with a preconceived topic to write about. I sit down and I take a moment to listen to Spirit and ask "what's the subject I will be writing about" and the first thought that comes to me is it. And after that I just start writing. I just let the words come and let them flow. Other than some minor editing, I don't change a thing. Some of the post that I have already shared, such as the posts about the ringing in my ear made me think "Really? Is this a factor in my weight loss success?" No Answer. "Okay, fine, I'll write about the ringing in my ear!" Or writing about the things I love. When I first started that post I thought, okay this is a feel nice post and I always like to be an a state of appreciation (Law of Attraction) so I can get into it. But what I didn't realize was how good I was going to feel for the rest of the day! It affected what I ate, how I talked to people, where I went, what I did. Everything. It was as if that day just GLOWED! All from a blogging post! Who Knew? Well, apparently Spirit did, but I didn't. That was one sign to me that this form of journalling will work for me if I just let it.
The one thing I feel I do have complete say of is the pictures that I select to go with the post. Spirit gave me that. What a benevolent being! Sure enough, I couldn't find a picture to go along with this post... go figure!
I hope that as I go along this journey all of this will end up making more and more sense, even to me. I look back on my posts and think "what the F*#&?!" I am just trusting Spirit that in time it will all make sense. I really do hope there is a Method to the Madness. Not that I really care, what I want is results! I want to loose weight. I want to feel healthy and I don't want to be unhappy. Period.
I mentioned auras. I first want to state that I am not an expert in anything that I am talking about, these are just my ever so humble opinions.
It is becoming more and more common to hear of people "seeing auras" or "reading auras". Those New Age People. What are they talking about? Why can they see them and everyone else can't? More mystical, magical voo-doo? I think everyone can sense auras. You see a vibrant person who "shines" or "brightens up the room" when they walk in. Aura.
You see a couple who are deeply in love and there is that "glow" of love that envelopes them. Aura.
A person has a "black cloud" around them. Yes, negative energy is seen in the aura too.
So sensing is usually the first step. It's just not taught in schools and churches.
Auras are the energies that surround every single thing. Animate and Inanimate.
Have you ever heard the expression "there was an aura of mystery about that old house." Walked in to a room and felt the heebee geebees? Energy radiates from everything. Aura is the energy radiating beyond the physical borders of the object, person, animal.
Our moods can affect our auras. Our health too. You sense these things about people and things. You are just not trained to see it. But you can. You just need to learn how to. There are books and teachers who are trained to help others learn this.
So I think of chakras as the "internal energy" and auras as the "external energy". Just to keep it simple in my little ol noggin.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I was reading a post script from Jo and I could really related to her comments. Chakra is a foreign word in a foreign language that has become a buzz word in our modern American culture. Chakra, because it seems a bit mystical and magical we wonder if this can be accepted in a christian based society.
I don't think this blog is my forum to explain my person beliefs, but if you spend any time reading my posts, you can quickly realized that I will quote the bible in one sentence and a eastern text in the next and a quote from the Course in Miracles in the next.
I keep my ideas very simple, not much room up there in the ol noggin to be very complex, I like to reserve enough space in the memory banks for remembering my favorite commercial jingles.
In keeping things simple, I have come to think of Chakra just as energy in the body. And just like the blood can get blocked (blood clots), lymph can get blocked, the digestive system gets blocked (constipation) so can enrgy get blocked. All our systems are run as flowing systems, we feel good when everything is flowing. We feel yucky when our systems don't flow.
The great think about energy blocks in the body is that we don't have to medicate the problem. If you have every studied Homeopathy which teaches to "treat like with like" so to handle an energy problem in the body you treat it with .... energy. Simple, free and an infinate supply all around you, just like air.
Now why hasn't western culture acknowledged the energy system of the body? Because the eastern theories and practices believe that the energy body extends to "outside" the body and that just doesn't easily compute in our little ol noggins.
But what is ironic to me is that when you see Christian portraits of Jesus, or the Mother Mary you see them with these shining golden/white lights surrounding them- yep, auras or energy bodies. Potato-Potato.
When it was my turn to get on the table, I took off my sweater, stood there in a sports tank top and bra with stretchy calf length pants and revealed to the world my bumps and bulges and no one stopped and gasped! The world didn't even shift on its axis.
No one cared. I think I judge myself so harshly! I am my own worst critic. All that panic and anxiety for nothing. I really need to get a new hobby, stressing myself out isn't a very good one.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I am learning more and more about our "energy body" and how when we get our chakras balanced we can heal in all the aspects of our "selves" (mind/body/spirit/energy/emotions).
To most people this sounds insane and very New Age, but Eastern cultures have practicing this form of healing for centuries.
To honor Cathleen's hard work in developing this book and class I won't be writing too much "specifics" about her program. That's why I deleted most of my previous posts. BUY THE BOOK, CHECK OUT HER WEBSITE (wwww.livingthespiral.com). If you are in the Tampa Bay area- JOIN THE CLASS!
Some of the other attendees have been through her class 3 or 4 times. This will be my second, but the first one I wasn't very happy with my lack of total participation, so I am treating this next cycle as if it were my first.
I have a friend in New York City who is doing the program on her own, just from reading Cathleen's book! She is loving it! Her goal is to heal from Fibromyalgia. It isn't just about Weight Loss (that's just my focus). It's about healing anything that keeps you from living your life to the fullest. Again, when the chakra centers are balanced, everything in life is balanced.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Gulp! No way! Ain't happening. In a class room that could have 30-50 people in it?
Please Lord, help me to drop 30 pounds by 7am in the morning. Miracles happen right?! To bad panic doesn't burn calories, I would have sweat off at least that much if not more.
Okay, find a safe thought..... " I am a vibrant, beautiful..." aw $&%* that is not going to work. What I really need to chant to myself is "I will not become the class clown to hide my bad feelings behind" I will just be professional and have my attention on learning all that I can to the best of my ability. It's not about me it's about the information that I need to absorb that can help my clients.
Public situations are getting harder and harder to face. But these are my peers, they are bodyworkers, they touch bodies my size or bigger. What am I freaking out for? Ego. It's got to be ego. The reality of my obesity smacks me upside the ego in public situations and ego doesn't like it. Letting it go.... go get that sports bra and short and shut up! Whining, I am whining a lot recently, must be the resistance, that's a good sign. If it hurts it must be touching a nerve of truth.
Vegatarian (4 yrs)
Eat for your Blood Type
Kellogg's Special K diet
Raw Food Diet
Source of Life Protein shakes
Greer Childers Be A Loser!
Control your Fat Tooth
Cabbage Soup Diet
Skintastics (Bshots/500 cal diet/amphetamines)
Dr. Zabella (Bshots/500 cal diet/amphetamines)
6 day body makeover diet/exercise program
the Green Tea Diet
The Oolong Tea Diet
protein shake diet
The Maker's Diet
Tony Little's Diet/Exercise
Dr. Gatza's Total Shake Diet
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Then today I took the RealAge questionnaire. I am 42.2 chronological years old. But the results of that quiz has me at 51.9!
So here is reality. Youthful face, old body. Not that 51.9 is "old" just when the difference is 9.7 years! That is scary. That is shocking. That is shameful. That is sickening.
Okay, all my good mood from earlier and my desire to accept myself just the way I am just flew out the window. I could easily just sit here and cry and resign myself to this horrible truth, but I have to let this be a place to start from and to work my way back to being youthful and vibrant. This was a big ol kick in the patootie. OMG!
Last year I wrote a poem. I wanted it to be my inspiration for loving myself. Loving the body that I have. But I just haven't got there. I want to feel this way. I want to know it as truth. This is the next things I want to manifest: "Love myself, just the way I am."
I am womanly
my curves defy the trends
I am the embodiment of poetry of the ancients
I am a muse to the God of Plenty.
I am womanly
silken skin drapes across my
ample bosom, hips and thighs
I celebrate my luxurious form,
the line of my back is Divine!
I am Womanly
the temptation of Adam
a succulent fruit
that will quench the thirst
and create a hunger.
That isn't bragging, if we think about it we all are Major Manifestors. I used to think I had to do some amazing feat or to spend long hours in meditation and prayer. I don't have any great magic trick to make manifesting happen. I don't do any long ceremony. I don't even have a mantra or an affirmation that I say on a daily basis.
Yesterday I was all stressed out over my roommate being out of work and not being able to pay the rent, I was "stewing in my juices" and in terrible affect to it all. Luckily I turned to several friends who reminded me that I can step away from the situation, pray about it and release it to Spirit.
So I stopped worrying. I simply stopped all thought about the situation. This must be what it means to "turn it over to God". I started to look around me and being appreciative. I didn't even spend too long doing this, maybe a minute. I was thankful I walked up the stairs to my apartment and didn't feel winded. I was thankful that the pollen was no longer coating the stair railing. I was thankful that I was home before the moon was up. I was thankful that I didn't need to go to the store to get food for dinner. It was enough to get me out of the nasties and into a better frame of mind.
This afternoon, the situation is solved. He got a job! Now, I just need to trust this truth and realize it is like this for me in every aspect of my life. My own business, my health, my happiness.
Through God- ALL things are possible.
No small print.
And since I became aware of this wonderful miracle, I have realized that my amazing manifestations happen very quickly! The great thing about this is that only the really great stuff manifests itself. The negative crap that I dwell on goes away when I wake up from the illusionary belief and it all goes bye bye very quickly. I LOVE THAT!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
While I was sifting thru my purse I picked up my business cards and I had a crazy idea... I took two cards out and walked up to the two men really starting to get into it and I handed the cards to both of them, I said something like "here, I think you really need this!" They were shocked! Then they read my business card and they both started to laugh. As I made my way back into line I heard the clerk ask "what does it say?" One man read my business card out loud "Massage makes me happy!" Everyone in line started to laugh, I blushed like crazy, but I was quite pleased with myself, if I do say. It made me very happy to defuse that yucky moment.
Since I designed those cards I have hemmed and hawwed about whether or not they are too simple, too silly or if they will appeal to people. Today, they were perfect! I love my business cards. Simple green back ground with white lettering. Nuf said. (giggled all the way home!)
Monday, March 23, 2009
I signed up.
We shall see.
I think Cathleen's program is helping align myself to all sources that can help me finally get this whole thing started and to be ready and to finally start.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Forward heart- Courage /3.5/ Streaming
Height- Idealization /3.6/ Rising
Width- Collaboration /3.8/ Widening
Inner- Capacity /3.6/ Expanding
Depth-Compassion /3.3/ Downward
Not surprised that I currently am operating in a fairly neutral heart space. In other words Boring, Blah, Dishwater Dull, Ugh! I hope that by doing some of these meditation exercises that I can bump up those numbers greatly. Okay, I'm being hard on myself every number shows that I am working on growth, that is not totally neutral- it's just that for so long I have felt neutral or as I define it: Blah, dishwater dull, boring, colorless.
I hope that by doing this process with Cathleen again I will feel vibrant, engaging, active, healthy and purposeful. I hope that during this time of preparation, getting all my ducks in a row; that I gather up all the tools that I need to get started and to be successful. I hope that I can face all the things that I need to face about myself and why I haven't been successful in the past.
Next week I plan to really delve into my list of why's and why nots.
I was reading an except from the book Beliefs, Pathways to Health and Wellbeing "When working with any limited belief, your goal is to get from your present state to your desired state. The first and most important step is to identify your desired state. After you identify what you want, you can then gather information about your current situation; your present state. By contrasting your present state and your desired state, you can determine what abilities and resources you need to achieve your desired state." It went on to talk about the interferences (such as limiting beliefs) that can keep us from acheiving our desired state. The author calls these interferences "internal terrorists" who sabotage all our best efforts. The author states that there are three types of interferences: "some part of the person does not want to change", "the person doesn't know how to create a representation of change" and "person doesn't give themselves the chance to change- the time and space to change."
This is exactly what I have been trying to wrap my head around! The LivingTheSpiral is the catalyst book that has helped me to understand what I need to do/have/be in order to have these changes happen in my quest for optimal health, weight, happiness, and life style. I think I will be adding this book to my already bulging bookcase. I want to learn more about the NLP that it speaks of (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).
Friday, March 20, 2009
Low and behold answers where there for my own needs!
Joel Wallach's book "Rare Earth's Forbidden Cure's" states that manganese deficiencies create problems with tinnitis (ringing in the ear), droopy eyelids and clumsiness and helps with absorbs ion of enzymes. That's me! Spirit always guides me to the answers. I am going to buy some tomorrow!
"The heart also emits energy as visible light- all hearts do, and when you energize your heart you can make this bio-luminescence stronger, leading to the condition that people recognize as "radiant". The light emitted from the heart is experienced as the color of the sun, yellow... it is telling that the common expression for a generous and radiant person is to say he or she has a "heart of gold."
"The heart is like a lake and the mind is like its surface. The heart and mind affect each other the way the depth and the surface of the lake interact. The movement of emotion within the heart creates waves of thoughts on the surface, and steady thoughts swept by the persistent wind at the surface of the lake can create a movement within the heart of the lake."
"The mind changes quickly, like the pattern of the wind-driven ripples on the surface of the lake. The heart's direction is enduring, like the powerful current that runs deeply through the lake's depth. It's steady direction of the heart's desire that gives one a compass in life."
"Breathing is the only activity of the body that can be performed either consciously or unconsciously. All other bodily functions are permanently assigned to either unconscious control or conscious control.
When you breathe consciously, the part of the brain that was performing unconscious breathing is freed up to take on a new task that is otherwise not normally performed-it serves as a shuttle to convey information between your conscious and unconscious. Therefore, in meditation you will notice a surge of creativity as images and stored impressions emerge from unconscious levels of your heart onto the screen of your mind."
"We intuitively understand much about the highly-prized quality called heart, and our culture has many words to describe it. An energized heart is magnetic instead of reserved; deep instead of shallow; big-hearted and tender-hearted instead of tight and stiff; generous and creative, not afraid of change; warm not cool; courageously lion-hearted instead of timid; optimistic, never pessimistic. A person with an energized heart is welcomed wherever he or she goes, and creates a feeling in the hearts of others that makes them energized as well."
"America in particular has a romantic culture, idealizing the search for a perfect mate, rather than learnig to live with an assigned mate as in some older cultures. America also has a high divorce rate because the emphasis is on finding someone with a good heart rather than developing a good heart. If the beloved one disappoints or breaks the lover's heart, then the condition is often seen as terminal, rather than a natural occurrence in the affairs of the heart, to be healed and to stand as a testament of the lover's dedication."
Okay, this is gettin too long, I want to quote the whole book! Love it! It is just what I needed to focus on today, to get past my worries, aches, pains, fears. Spirit always guides me to the right things to read, see and experiences. I bought this book on a whim, I walked in to my friends store, went to the book case , picked it up, looked at the cover "I want this" thought went through my mind, and I didn't pick it up until this morning, after praying for answers that kept me up most of the night. Spirit is always with me. My God is an awesome God!
"Consider you heart to be the container of energy. What is the energy that the heart contains? We call this energy "love." We mean by this not some romantic, poetic notion, but a powerful energy that drives your unconscious decisions, draws people and resources to you, inspires your most creative ideas, and gives you the self-confidence and courage to follow them."
"The heart (physical) is a kind of transmitter, similar to an FM radio, like an FM radio transmitter, your heart produces a variable frequency that conveys a complicated message. If you heart rate was perfectly constant, it would convey no meaning other than a timer; it would sound like a single, steady note. But your heart rate is much more complex, sounding more like an orchestra of many "voices". Those voices convey a great deal of information about your physical and emotional state. Your heartbeat is a centralized, coordinating message broadcasting from your heart to every cell."
"Because the heart rate encodes the emotional state, it is literally true that the emotion of the heart is broadcast throughout the physical body as the pulse causes every cell to throb. As the cells pick up the heartbeat they adjust themselves to the current emotional condition. Therefore, emotion is felt everywhere at once: all your cells sing when you're happy, and physical discomfort is widespread when you're emotionally miserable."
This is such a wonderfully written book! I have been practicing Reiki and mediation and all kinds of things, focusing on the heart and I think this information was part of the "missing link" to my complete understanding of the energy/physical/emotional/spiritual connection! WOW!
I immediately keyed into the pain I experienced two years ago from an infection from a cracked tooth that led to trigeminal neuralgia- OMG! Never again, this is not that and this is not heading in that direction.
I think this has a lot to do with my mood swings over the last few days. That and needing to eat baby food type of things and drinking only room tempature foods and drinks. Really needing to work at being joyful, happy or at least not cranking and weepy. Small victories, very small victories. Minute victories, microscopic victories.
Bruxism is actually caused by grinding the teeth or clenching the jaw, stress related. I have noticed this happening more and more over the past six or so months. Waking up with my jaw clenched. Feeling it tighten up while working. Right now I realize that I am tight. I think the exercises from my singing lessons really has brought this to the forefront. Now I need to address it and handle it. Rembering: Spirit can take care this for me, EFT Techniques help, deciding that it is no longer necessary to experience and to release it. Who knows, maybe this is a message that the Massage Therapist needs to relax and let go. Ironic. LOL.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I have said it many times before that losing weight and getting healthy has been my hardest failure. One area in my life that has defeated me over and over again. But these failures have apparently been necessary. For what? I don't know exactly, but I think as I go thru this process- living the spiral (which I will be starting again May 4th) this is were I need to focus my efforts, really get to the root of this question.
Make these failed efforts into stepping stone towards absolute success. Well, this battle that I am waging has been going on for over 15 years- I think I've gotten battle weary, complacent to the chaos and disheartened, maybe this is my Stockholm Syndrome- love the enemy.
I feel that I need to really ask Spirit to not only bring inspiration to me, not only knowledge of "how-to", but to also bring people into my life who can really help me do this, I really feel that I cannot do it alone. I am thankful to Cathleen for making her process available, the courage to write her book and self-publish it. Now I think I really need to have help with the exercise aspect.
Maybe I need to really look at all the ways I have failed, list them out one-by-one and face them them head on instead of sweeping them under the rug and pretending they didn't happen. Maybe what I don't know is "what are my failures?". Gird my egos loins- this is going to hurt.
What makes us happy? What gives us the giggles? What fills us up so completely that we are in rapture? How many minutes go by without this feeling? How many hours? How many days? How many months? How many years?
This little one doesn't have a long resume of accomplishments, awards, recognitions, skills, no book knowledge, no laundry list of experiences, no address book full of names, no emails, no twitters, no facebook contacts, no plans for tomorrow, no list of goals or even dreams, no board full of pictures of what he/she wants to have or do, not even to the age of "I want to be...when I grow up" yet.
His/her little life is about waking up, eating, drinking, stretching out, looking around, touching, being touched, listening, peeing, pooping, being cleaned up, napping, sleeping, crying, giggling, laughing, seeing daylight, seeing darkness, feeling the temperature inside and outside, knowing love, giving love without dogma, doctrine, philosophy, without how-to books, cds, dvds, websites, or lectures. Just being.
When I went to see Cathy Slaght and to the SCIO session, this was an issue that I wanted to address. I had also brought it up with my acupuncturist. Yesterday Cathy called me and asked me how the condition was, it was then that I could report that it was not noticable. Today, I woke up, first thing in the morning it can be at its worst, and I didn't notice it at all. Could this mean that Biofeedback has done the trick....time will tell. But I am very excited about this!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I woke up this morning to the clear message from Spirit "You need to make things right with your friend". When I wake up to these messages from Spirit, I know that I really need to act on them and I have always been better off for listening, a more importantly, acting when Spirit gives me these messages.
What isn't right with things between my friend and I? Me. I realized as I prayed about this situation this morning that I have been trying to push something on to my friend, a gift that I wanted her to have and I realized that it really isn't something she wants. So I wrote her a lengthy email message to apologize to her and to try and make things right. Not that she would probably even think it's a problem that needs an apology for. But I know that I need to make amends and clear the air and ensure that these doesn't happen again.
Yep. The problem is a gift. I have not been honoring her desires for what she wants and needs, because I have only been thinking about what I want to give her. Ugh! Not that this is a huge friendship deal breaking problem, but it has given me great pause for thought. I am starting to wake up to the fact that gift giving in its most sincere form is not about what we want but what they want. I hope that by waking up and hearing this message from spirit will put me in to higher consciousness of what it really takes to be a great friend and gift giver. You never know what message Spirit is trying to give, even the so-called "little stuff" like making sure that our intentions with loved ones are for their highest good and not just our ego based ones.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I have been holding up in my apartment for way too long. I have got to get outside and start getting exercise and fresh air! I have award winning beaches and islands and parks right in my backyard. I am minutes away from Honeymoon Island and Caladesi Island! I have a 35mm camera that is old but good, that I could be learning how to take photos of my own.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I was at my Acupuncture Physician two days ago- in our conversation I mentioned the problems I have been having on focusing, feeling scattered, not "shutting down" and insomnia. She sent me home with these gold "ear studs"- placed on the reflex point for "quieting the mind" one in each ear.
After going grocery shopping after my appointment, I was so fatigued I had to go home and sleep for several hours. I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go. But the ringing in my ear was heightened. Not sure if they are related, but I'm just keeping track of it all.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Listening to Marianne Williamsons' Miracle Thought for the day on Ophra: My God is an awesome God. Course of Miracles-There is no order of difficulty in Miracles. Moving mountains is small compared to what you can do. Miracles are shifts in our own perception. Shift to "My God is awesome God". In God you are dealing in a level of Quantum Possibilities beyond what that mortal mind can perceive. The problem is not that we think in too big terms, the problem is that we think in too little of terms. Not that we are asking too much of God, usually we ask too little. Granduer vs Grandiocity. Grandios thoughts are "I'm such a bigshot", thinking that we are so powerful, so capable of making things happen. Granduer is the recognition that there is a power in you but not of you that lives within you. God's infinite pattern of creativity. Look at a problem and see that God is infinity possibilities. God is bigger than any problem. Align consciousness to God an miracles happen. Infinite possibilties.
Well, that's a lot to take in. I know that I have been in "limitation mode" for years and years. This limited thinking has kept me from living my life to the fullest, living up to my greatest potential. Allowing God to work through me as an instrument of Greatest Possibilities.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Fragrant air whispers an invitation through the ancestral lace at the open window, ambient sound created by nature’s nocturnal orchestra
beckoning me to step out into the waxing moonlit night and partake in the primordial rhythm of life pulsating in every corner of the darkness.
The incessant pentameter of the hallway clock speaks to me of man’s obsession with time and space. I ignore its message of how few the hours are till obligations will be laid once again at my table. I grab my wrap and my feet make haste to the back door.
Crossing over the threshold of structure and propriety, my toes curl with delight into the dewy blades of grass, a child like giggle escapes my smiling lips. The giggle builds into a joyous laugh that erupts from the depths of my being, followed by a wistful sigh that is filled with appreciation and thankfulness for these stolen moments.
Honeysuckle vine, heavy with rich nectar spread out along the weathered wooden arbor, relinquishing its sweet succulent essence to the zephyr wind that tickles the tender white bloom to capture the scent and presents it to me as a gift, one that holds me in rapturous awe as I breath deeply into the night.
What delights for the senses await me just beyond the dense formidable hedge? Out there in the vast fields of willowy grass that sway to an fro in effortless precision, my heart pounds loudly in my chest and I rush forward with ardor and abandonment.
There, in that heaving sea of muted green and gold fronds, the moonbeams cast their magical rays of light down to grace me with tender kisses upon my upturned face as I watch Cassiopeia dance just beyond the passing clouds. I twirl in clockwise circles and align myself to north’s true compass, I am vast and expansive, singular and minute and all is calm and all is chaos, the pendulum of life is anchored in the palm of my hand.
In those blessed moments, I bask in my human form as earth and heaven converge within my heart. Then, quietly I turn. Walking slowly back to the warm comforts of brick and mortar. I am forever awakened from within and sleep will never more be the shackles of the trance of human complacency. My blood runs hot and my thoughts are clear and my purpose has changed since Midnight’s invitation.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I felt safe, fascinated, scared and relieved all at the same time! Wow! WOW!
The picture here is the "Eye of God" Nebula. It is so amazing! My friend Karen mentioned it yesterday and I remembered seeing it when I was teaching my younger brother a bit about Nebulas. I love nebulas! The cosmos are so amazing! The world outside our world.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I woke up this morning and didn't feel good. I stopped and took stock of what is going on with me right now. I realized that I need to clean my environment up, de-clutter, organize, get rid of stuff and do a deep clean of my car, my home and my business. I am feeling the effects of overwhelm because I have let things pile up, literally. I have been in a "gathering" mode and now it has taken over.
I want space. Clear, clean space. So I have set aside Monday as my Space cleaning day. I am actually very happy to do my Spring Cleaning.
I will start with my car- which is also my Office-on-Wheels! I decluttered it a few weeks ago and somehow it has got filled up again! Massage table, massage chair, sheets galore, oils, lotions, music cds, massage books, papers, mail that I haven't looked at, directions to clients homes, a lamp, and more paper.
The area around my computer- I've taken over the dinning table- is piling up, more books about massage, more unread mail, tax papers, massage DVDs, Reiki DVDs, suppliment bottles! I am amazed I have room to type!
The kitchen, it's clean, just not very organized! My roommate brought in a whole new set of cookware and it is scattered here and there. I also need to clean out the fridge.
My bedroom! OMG! I need to really get my closet organized. I have never really done this since I moved in (a year ago!) it is the real source of my clutter dilema- I need to organize my clothes, my books and my papers here so that they stop overflowing into all the other places. I have curtains I bought last year that I have not hung, I have a bed skirt that is still in the package, I have a rocking chair that I can no longer see- it has become a dumping depot for clothes.
I know that this is the source of much of my distress- I have been in gathering mode, bringing new things to me and I did not make space for it- I have been defying a basis Universal Law, no wonder I am feeling scattered and overwhelmed. It is literally my personal space, not my mind, or my spirit, it's my space. What an effect it has on the mind and spirit.
Friday, March 6, 2009
My mind is all over the place recently. I feel so scattered and unfocused. I feel almost manic in my thoughts and needs to do everything. Yet nothing is getting done. So what to do?
Stop! Breath. Breath some more. Breath even more. Allow spirit to speak to me. Spirit is never wrong. It has made universes, galaxies, solar systems out of complete chaos. I think spirit knows best on where I need to focus and what I can stop doing that is taking up all my time and energy without anything to show for it. When I do this, I am never disappointed, spirit is 100% right all of the time. Now to allow myself the time to stop, to breath and to listen.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I went to Cathy Slaght the other day for the SCIO session in order to "pull the plugs" of the energy that I have taken on from others (A common occurrence for healers) and how these energies have been a contributor in my weight gain. During the SCIO session what came up the most was "Fear of Abandonment" this is a generational issue- started many generations ago, mothers passing away very young, fathers never being in the picture, mothers walking away from their children. I have not been abandoned by my parents, but by boyfriends, friends and church members. I have not allowed many people into my life because of this fear of being left alone. So this is where I think I need to focus my forgiveness. "I forgive all those who have abandoned my family members". The definition of forgive is "untie". That is why it is a freedom- to be released from the bondage of fear, hate and distruction.
Make a list of the good things that emerged as a result of this awful experience. You've probably focused long enough on the negative parts of this experience. Look at the problem from a completely new angle; look at the positive side. The first item on that list may be long overdue because you have focused on the negative for so long. See if you can identify 10 positive outcomes of this experience.
Look for the helpers. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he'd often become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell him, "look for the helpers." In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and unselfishness. Practice what you have learned from them.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I have a clear day with only one client booked tonight. So I have decided to take the day and just read, meditate, drink water, eat healthy food and get some exercise in. I am going to just "settle into myself". I realize that I have been chasing answers and solutions through various avenues and I really haven't allowed myself just to quiet myself and allow all the work to sit and simmer. So today, I will just be observant of all the subtle messages.
The SCIO is a sophisticated and profound energetic medicine system, derived from the SCIO [Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface]. It incorporates electro-dermal screening, stress testing and biofeedback.
It is a computerized system that both tests and balances the body at the subtle energy level.
It integrates the sciences of mathematics, quantum physics, fractal dynamics, subspace theory, electronics, and computer programming. The therapies include the following modalities: naturopathy, homeopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic, energetic medicine, psychology, aromatherapy, reflexology, colour therapy, Neuro- Linguistic Programming, biofeedback and Rife Resonator. It also incorporates knowledge of metaphysical subjects to bring a unique synergistic perspective to natural healing.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The beginning steps that the author suggests to do is 1.) Clear the Pendulum with Sea Salt 2.) Dedicate yourself by stating "I dedicate myself and my life, and all my lifetimes and between them, to the Light." She has created a whole ceremony using candles, smudging, and all- but I have to be honest, that doesn't do it for me, I believe that it is as simple as setting the intention, stating the words- period. Done. Fini. As much as the ceremony sounds lovely and all, I think that it somehow makes me feel like I am appeasing the Gods and putting myself is a less-than position. I have come to think of myself and others as equal partners with the High Be-ings, the only difference is that we are in Physical form and they are not. When I say "and so it is!" the universe sits up and takes notice and action! I don't forget to be appreciative but not propritiate which implies averting anger or malevolence especially of a superior being.
Okay, I am off my soap box now, the other step 3.) is to dedicate the pendulum- "I dedicate this pendulum to truth, and I ask that it always be accurate and truthful."
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I grabbed a bowl of cereal and turned on my computer to start researching QiGong and Tai Chi. Yesterday I was speaking to Bud, a crusty old navy sailor who has embraced his spiritual side through Reiki, Tai Chi, QiGong and Falun Dafa, he was a wealth of information! He told me about a Qigong exercise of "droppping your arms-naturally" that will work with blood purification, bone marrow purification and even malignancy clearing- to do so one must drop their arms from 800-1800 times in one session. I immediately was interested and fearful of this practice- the fear is based on my professional need to ensure that my arms can function to do massage and the idea of 1800 exercises made me visualize shoulder joint fatigue.
So, I got online and found Ken Cohen a QiGong Master out of Colorado, who's book I used to have, has a DVD that teaches these moves. Yeah!
I have got to start moving Qi- I have got to start moving period! I must start incorporating exercises into my daily practice.
I have my mini-trampoline, I have the Pinellas Trail 400 feet from my home and I have exercise DVDs up the wahzoo! I have got to start moving my Qi and get rid of the stagnation that is keeping me from feeling good.