Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Angry white Woman

I have had a book on my shelves for several years now and yesterday when I was putting one book away, I picked this one up. (I am a bookaholic!) The Only Diet There Is by Sondra Ray. It is a very unusual diet book. There are no recipes, not diet tips, no calorie counting. It is filled with ways to look at our negative thinking and then fix them with affirmations. For some reason I have a love/hate relationship with affirmations. It stems from disbelief that they can work. I can't seem to stick to saying them over and over throughout the day, every day. I don't let them work, because I don't try to make them work. I say them a few times and then I fall back into my lazy mode and forget about them.

Reading through the book I got to Step Four: Give up Anger. I stopped dead in my tracks. The first thing it states that you have to do is forgive. A Course in Miracles explains that all distress is due to unforgiveness and that forgiveness is our only function. I thought love was our only function, then I realized I can't love if I don't forgive. Duh! Forgiveness is also the Master Erase. Forgiveness means forgiving yourself and forgiving others as well. It means getting clear on what you are angry about and then letting go of it.

Catherine Ponder (author of Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, Dynamic Laws of Prayer) states there are five steps to complete forgiveness:
1. You forgive others
2. They forgive you
3. You forgive yourself
4. You give up all claim to punishment
5. You restore harmony as it was before the event.

So, after taking the steps to heal from Forgiveness, it's back to Anger.
What is my history with anger? I grew up in an Angry home. Don't wake the sleeping tiger. Tip toe around the anger. It wasn't a violent home or dangerous environment. Arguments and fights would break out here and there, but it was more like Anger was the other person living in the house and you just never talked about it. I think everyone in my family learned to suppress anger. I am now amazed that our heads didn't burst years ago!

I hate getting angry! I don't know what to do with it. But in reality, I am always angry. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to think I'm a happy person. But I am really one very angry person. I am angry at myself all the time. I am angry deep inside and I don't know how to let it all out in a healthy way. So I have eaten my anger, I've stuffed it and my face with pounds of food.

Because I don't want to express outward Anger. I worry that I won't know how to control it. I don't want to be "blinded by anger". I have learned to approach it with sarcasm. I have acted passive/aggressive and I have internalized it. I am a simmer pot of seething anger. All because I have not forgiven myself and others for past wrongs. I have not let things go I chew those bones down to the marrow. I need to learn how to safely and lovingly express my anger. This book that I am reading suggests going somewhere like the beach and just screaming. Getting it all out. Laying in bed and pounding the pillows kicking and screaming. Taking up boxing or martial arts where you kick and scream in a controlled environment. I like the beach idea the best. I think I am going to call a friend and have her drive me there and back because I have a feeling that I will be too spent to drive myself home.

The book reminded me of what Jesus said:" Forgive seventy times seven" Obviously saying an affirmation of forgiveness once or twice isn't enough. No wonder they didn't seem to "work" for me and I would give them up! Seventy times seven is the number of completion. Completion means filled up, with nothing lacking, or perfectly equipped and skilled. To feel free of guilt or fear. Complete. The book suggests that if you do something seventy times seven it would show your intention is so high that you really mean it. When something is complete, there is a flowing fluid energy that is total love and it is as deep as your molecules, your DNA and when it is that deep it changes you, your thoughts your habits, your weight. Our molecules are guided by our mind, so our thoughts dictate our body functions.

So doing something like forgiving others and self seventy time a day would take seven days till completion, then the energy of love would be flowing deeply.

So this week's affirmation that I will say seventy times a day is "I forgive my father completely."
Next week: "I forgive my mother completely." and the following week "I forgive myself completely."

1 comment:

  1. Catherine Ponder's list stumped me. 2. They forgive you. We cannot control what others do, only what we do. There are some people in this world that are not enlightened, or are ill, or full of rage and hate that #2 would be impossible.

    I see what she is getting at, it is a full circle. Yet each person has their own journey, and we cannot rely on what they do to obtain complete forgiveness on our journey. If I had to wait for forgiveness from some of my family members in my journey, I would wait forever. They would never give it.

    Forgiveness is a tough on for me, and I'm so not there. I'm better, but it's tough. I can forgive, get along, but I always remember. And that memory in the back of my mind puts me on edge. So it's not forgiveness at all, is it?

    I am loving your posts. They really get me to think!