Wednesday, April 1, 2009
My posts are piling up on top of one another. I get one finished and another on develops right behind it. Go Spirit! Go!
Thinking about this Negative Diet. I had the thought of Giving Thanks for my food. Whenever I get together my parents or with several friends, they are so great at giving thanks for their food.
Growing up in a fundamental Christian family we said Grace before every meal and sometimes even if we were having a snack, but most of the time I really didn't connect with the words. "Too thee who doth the ravens fee, and lilies clothes with beauteous dress. For rich supplies of all our need. We raise our song of thankfulness." I sang that grace for most of my life and I never connected with it.
Then when I'm with my friends we say "999555 (the number for unconditional love), Cookie's Prayer (very long funny story) and Thank You Jesus." I am just now realizing that these really don't resonate with me. I don't really connect to how they show that I am Thankful for my food.
How can I really be thankful for food when I have honestly looked at it as the enemy? The bane of my adult life? What I really want to say is "Dear Lord, please don't let this pizza go to my fat ass!" Now that is an honest heart felt prayer!
I call myself a foodie. "Hmm, I love my food!" I love food? Not really. I hate food! I hate that others can eat the same thing as me, the same amount as me or even more and not gain a single pound while I pack it on like Donkey Kong!
Sometimes I wish I could stop eating altogether, or stop the way I am with food. Ordering in a Large Pizza and hoping that the delivery guy will think it's going to feed a family of four. Or romanticizing food. I fell in love with the movie Under the Tuscan Sun and how Diane Lane's character brought fancy feasts of Italian meals to the table and fed everyone, it was so festive and family and homey. No one at those tables looked like they worried about over indulging in pasta and red meats!
And now I am learning that it's all from my Stinkin Thinkin about food. I grew up on TV dinners, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Campbell soups. The only time I really ate a nicely prepared meal was visiting other homes. My mom does not like food. She hates cooking. She has no affinity for food. It is a chore. (Hmmm! Sounds familiar) When I refused to eat something (which was most of what was put on my plate) I was made to sit at the table until I finally finished the plate. Food was punishment. OMG! It still is punishment. I punish myself with food for every bad deed, bad thought, failure that I do! Eureka! An Aha Moment. As an adult I have spent a lot of time hiding what I really want to eat. Eating in my car, eating more when no one is around. The shame of eating. The guilt of eating. Eat more to punish myself for how I ate! Madness. I want to develop a health opinion of food. To be able to sit down even when I am by myself and really Give Thanks for what I have before me.
Posted by Donni at 4:46 PM