Back among the living! It ended up being more than the flu. I hit a very low point in mood. I haven't felt that low in years. So much going on that it was difficult to deal with everything. I think the flu weakened me out and the mind couldn't handle it all. I am normally am very perky, appreciative person, but this kept me low for several weeks. Could get just enough energy to work. The issue is really the fact that I have some tough decisions to make and I can't seem to wrap my head around it all.
The problem is family members. The ongoing saga of my adult life- dealing with the problems of my family. The latest is that my roommate/older brother is once again unemployed. He quit his job of three weeks because he hated it. Couldn't wait until he had another one. (I do not understand that at all!) Prior to that he was unemployed for 8 mnths. I've covered 2 months of rent, but I can't do it any more. Need to find another place to live. I hate moving!
My family followed me to florida, I had a two year repreive before parent and younger brother moved down 9 years ago. The next year grandmother moved down, 4 years ago older brother moved down. Between accidents, alzeheimers, home schooling for 2 yrs and stupidity of siblings (trouble with the law), I have given too much of my time to the family. I helped raise younger brother who is 22 years younger. Helping with grandmother and parents who suffered a terrible car accident 3 years ago.
The ray of hope is in a potential job- a friend is waiting on the funding to launch a new business, the first stage is to take her training seminars on the road- we would be traveling around the country and getting people signed up for her classes. As people sign up, we would help them cultivate a "community" with other attendees in the local area. In a years time, we would then hope to have a retreat location where people could come and attend classes. There is also a part of it that is a non-profit aspect- offering specially assisted classes to the blind. I have a month of waiting before I know if the funding is going through. FINGERS CROSSED!
But I am struggling with leaving the area and not being here for the family. But, at 42 years old I need to be about my life and not theirs. I can say this, but the actual doing of this is the hard part, I don't want to see my family suffering or struggling. But the fact is that over the past 9 years I have gained so much weight and dropped my own activities in order to help everyone else. I am not a martyr, but pretty darn close! So the blue feelings threatened to overtake me, but I have such loving friends that help me enjoy life and help me see that I need to be taking care of myself!